Silence is Golden

“A time to hear and a time to mend.  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:7)

 For a time I thought I have been experiencing a complete and total burnout.  I thought I was tired from long hours of homework, car pools, house cleaning (or lack there of), driving back and forth to wherever the kids need to be, and training at work which involved many long hours of staring at documents and spreadsheets and trying to remember what each one says. School is over, car pool is over, the kids are home more to help around the house, but now I have joined the planning team for VBS at church and that is keeping me very busy.  I have missed writing every morning but I haven’t been getting up in time to do it. I have felt lonely and like something was missing.

 This week I realized that nothing was missing.  Two things occurred to me at the same time.  First, I promised myself I wouldn’t write just to write and, honestly, I haven’t felt like saying anything lately. Second, nothing at all has been missing.  My plate is most definitely full and it’s full of really great stuff.  My daughter is in an amazing musical that has been eating up my weekends but I love being down at the theater and to be able to share this with her has been a blessing for me.  I love my job and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.  I feel slightly overwhelmed but I know I am where I need to be and it’s going to be all good.  Finally, I am excited to be a part of VBS this year.  It’s crazy, stressful, and a blessing.  I am anxious to see the kids and the leaders walk through those doors Sunday night.  So, nothing has been missing.  God just helped me lighten my load a bit so that I could find balance.

 My relationship with Jesus may have changed a bit in the last couple of months.  I guess if I were to try to explain it I would say that up until May I was sitting down and having coffee with Him as we talked about life (thank you Sally).  Now, I feel like we aren’t talking to each other as much as we are building something great together.  He has never left my side and its okay that someone isn’t always talking in any relationship.  Silence is golden, or maybe silence is me going nuts from mixing too many things together.  So, if things seem crazy or you feel kind of off take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.  I am sure that you are in the midst of an opportunity and you will enjoy it more if you see it now than if you have to constantly look back on it later.

 “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it give us assurance about the things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

A Tough Bridge to Cross

“For troubles surround me—too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage.”

 

I feel selfish when I am trying to reflect inward and get to the bottom of me. Maybe selfish isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s self-centered, which would make sense. I had spent so much time only worried about what I wanted, what felt right and good to me, and what made me happy that whenever I put the focus on me and my heart it feels wrong. But, here I stand before you and I am questioning who I am. Of course, I wonder if I am not questioning who I am as much as trying to figure out where I went because there are moments when I don’t like the thoughts that course through my mind and the feelings that flow through my heart and I think, “this isn’t me” and if it isn’t me where did I go?

 

I lost my focus. I let my pride grow and the backfire is that I have grown resentful and angry.  I feel out of grace and out of patience. God calls us to love and not be angry but I always seem to find a way to grumble and complain. Paul says, in Philippians 2:4, “do all things without complaining and arguing”, yet, as much as I pray and ask God to help me do that, I find myself grumbling and complaining once more.

 

Do you know how hard it is to truly look inward and see who you are? It’s tough and, unfortunately, I am letting this struggle I am going through overshadow all the good blessings in my life. I need to work though this season in my life and not give up. Actually, that is wrong. I need to let God work through me. I think I may have snagged the reigns of my life out of His hands and tried to take over again. Obviously, I am not doing a very good job. I need to embrace the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) once again. But He knows. There is nothing I can go to God with that He doesn’t know and didn’t sacrifice for. Isn’t that what Easter is all about?

 

“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edge sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between join and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one whom we are accountable.

 

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testing we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious god. There will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” (Hebrews 4:12-16)

Psalm 51

Sometimes the strangest things or methods can work something in my heart. Today, I wasn’t sure what to read so I read Psalm 51. I knew what it was going to say before I read it. I am still struggling and the more I struggle the more I realize the walls in my life I need to tear down, so I guess it’s a good thing even if it is not very much fun. So, today I will share Pslam 51. If you know that you have already read it and think you could stop your devotion right here….you probably need it more than someone else. Just a thought. I could be wrong. However, I read it twice this morning, stopping at certain points longer than others, and then typing it made me want the author’s words to be mine….so there is something therapeutic about the whole thing. I pray, that if you need them, that God uses His word in this particular Psalm to work a wonder in you today.

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,

                because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion,

                Blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt

                Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion;

                It haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;

                I have done what is evil in your sight.

You will proved right in what you say,

                And your judgment  against me is just.

For I was born a sinner—

                Yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb,

                teaching me wisdom even there.

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;

                Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

                you have broken me—

                now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.

                Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

                Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence,

                and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore me to the joy of your salvation,

                and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to the rebels,

                and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;

                Then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord,

                that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.

                You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

                You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O god.

Look with favor in Zion and help her;

                Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—

                with burn offerings and whole burnt offerings.

                Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

In the Wilderness

“See, I am sending an angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.” (Exodus 23:20)

 

Have you ever been lost? Have you ever been lost and known the way but couldn’t figure out how to the get there at the same time? Have you ever been lost, known the way, asked God for guidance and help getting there, and still didn’t get to where you knew you needed to be? That is the place I find myself leaving today. Being stuck somewhere of my own direction, knowing which way to go, but then just standing there because I can’t figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.

 

We have failed our finances for 12 years. I would love to say that our finances have failed us but, no, we have failed our finances. As a couple we never took care of our money together and we never set up budgets. Every month it felt like we were falling and any second some big disaster would take everything away. We even reached that point where I looked at my husband and said, “we aren’t going to make it like this any more”. Looking back I am not sure that was true. But everything looks different in hindsight. Regardless, we made extremely serious changes and still we couldn’t seem to make anything make financial sense. I was that person, every morning, begging God to guide us and help us financially.

 

We are taking a course called “Financial Peace University” by Dave Ramsey. I recommend that anyone, regardless of financial position, take this course. For the first time my husband and I are on working our finances together. For the first time our money is starting to feel in control, for the most part (we are still learning). For the first time I feel like although we are still in the wilderness, we are heading to everything that God has promised us, which is peace and hope. I feel like God has placed a big spotlight on our destination, since we were too dumb and blind to see it before, and that as long as we stay focused on God and on that goal we will get there.

 

“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both love and money.” (Matthew 6:24)

Your Red Sea

“The Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind. The wind blew all that night, turning the seabed into try land. So the people of Israel walked through the middle of the sea on dry land, with walls of water on each side!” (Exodus 14:21-22)

 

I was walking with my brother-in-law to McDonalds®. My sister had finally been placed in a room after her stroke and everyone else had left. Troy and I were hungry and ironically enough, a renowned heart hospital has McDonalds® on its ground floor. On our way down I told him that I would have the entire state of Iowa praying by the end of the night, that I would have friends across the country praying and even prayers being lifted from England by the next day. On the short walk down he mentioned that he had thought about getting back to church. He had been thinking life would get easier if they were going to church. I couldn’t help it. I laughed out loud. I said that is the inside joke of Christianity. For some reason the people looking in think that Christians have this easy cake-like life. However, the reality is life gets harder when you decide to walk the narrow path. It was then he remembered doing an alter call in his teens. “It was like as soon as I did that the girls flew down on me.”

 

God brought the Israelites to a new destination in an incredible way. They may have been free from 400 years of slavery but that didn’t mean that the rest of their lives were a picture of leisure and ease. It was hard. It was long. Many didn’t make it through. It brings me to the testimony I am giving this weekend. I had an amazing experience, a God-moment if you will, and I was refreshed, renewed, on fire, and alive in a totally new way (that is the jest testimony if you aren’t going to make it to church this weekend). I kid-you-not, within two days my world was crashing around me. I was on my knees and I didn’t know how I was going to get through.

 

We all have some sort of Red Sea in our lives. It’s that moment when we are walking with God and we reach a point where it seems impossible to break through or cross over. God is telling us to trust Him and to put one foot in front of the other and know that He will provide the dry ground. His Word is our staff and our church family, friends, loved ones, prayers, the sermons we hear, missions we are involved in, and circles we live in are His pillar of fire and smoke guiding us and pulling us forward. We know that He will always bring us through. We may not understand it. We may not see it. But we know that our Heavenly Father loves us and will us guide us Home.

 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Ready to Rest

“There is a special rest still waiting for the people of God.” (Hebrews 4:9)

 

A friend from California asked me about this cold weather we have getting in Iowa. Coincidentally, my husband and I were talking this morning about how it was only four degrees out but we are so used to the cold that it doesn’t feel so bad anymore. And even more weird, since the weather has been so bitter, is that all I have wanted to do is go for a bike ride. As we drive by the trails daily I look to see if they have been cleared. On the warmer days (25 degrees or more) I stare out the window at the mess on the roads and know I would still just slip and slide. I am restless.

 

In about two weeks there is a ride in the country called BRR (Bike Ride to Ripey). I have only done it once and it was brutally cold and long. I am all ready for it this year though. I have face masks to block the wind and “Hotties” for my hands and feet (thank you Sally). I haven’t been able to bike this winter but I have been working out so my only fears are the wind and the temperature. I am determined to do something and get out to somewhere.  Between juggling family, sports, work, kid’s schoolwork and my own homework I feel a stirring in me to do something crazy. Right now, the craziest thing I can think of, that I have time for, is a bike ride in this arctic winter we have been experiencing.

 

With the busyness of life pounding down on us some people may think that I just need to rest or take a nap. But I have found rest comes in many different forms. Some days relaxing means reading a book or taking a nap. Other days rest is defined by taking the kids for a hike around the lake or going for a long bike ride. I have learned that rest is really whatever brings you peace and whatever refreshes you. Rest could be a mission trip that brings a smile to a child’s face or helping a friend through a tough time. Relaxing could be playing board games with friend and/or family or sitting on a beach watching the sun set. Refreshment could come from a cool swim on a hot day or from volunteering to clean up neighborhoods in the inner-city. In the craziness of life I think we may all be surprised of what will bring us relief from the chaos. It’s often not what we don’t do but what we do.

 

“In His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.” (Romans 12:6-8)

So Frustrated

“I lift you high in praise, my God, O my King! And I will bless your name into eternity.” (Psalm 145:1 Message)

 

This was not the way I wanted to start my morning. We have been scolding our oldest son. It’s hard for me because I feel sorry for his self-inflicted problem he is in but it is so hard to go over the same things over and over again and feel like his anger is preventing him from really hearing anything we have to say.

 

I wonder how often God feels that way. Many of our life circumstances, good or bad, are a result of our own choices. He tells us, He shows us, He gives us grace over and over and over again and here we are…still in the same rut. Even the things I know I need to change about me and my lifestyles are so extremely hard to change but I know everything I need to know and I make my mistakes anyway. Why is that?

 

We need to trust God enough to make the right decisions. We need to follow His ways. Have you ever noticed that we say God has a perfect plan but we don’t want to do it His way? And then, when you realize you were going the wrong direction and feel the peace of following that narrow path, you may steel veer off into a different direction because it looked pretty good? How can I raise a child when I am such a wreck some days? What has God given me that I am not using to push through these obstacles? All the answers are right there.

 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.  I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 The Message)*

*thanks Suzanne!

Doing Everything Wrong

“He seized the dragon—that old serpent, who is the devil, Satan—and abound him in chains for a thousand years. The angel threw him into the bottomless pit, which he then shut and locked so Satan could not deceive the nations anymore until the thousand years were finished.” (Revelations 20:2-3a)

 

I spent most of yesterday afternoon at the hospital with my sisters. The middle of the three of us had to be admitted. She had some bleeding on her brain that has stopped. However, it has caused her to struggle with her speech and some of her motor skills on her right side. They will be running more tests on her this morning to determine what happened and how to fix it. I was, of course, panicked when I got the phone call but a very good friend talked me through it. Then on the way home I was sad to leave her. Finally, as I am sure my body was completely drained of energy from the day, I realized how lucky we were that she was still alive and I spent the rest of the evening near, or at, tears. I went to bed, and then woke up, very thankful that I get to call her and visit her today….again, on the brink of tears.

 

I feel like I am doing everything wrong lately. I spend lots of my time eating too much, not sleeping enough, being stressed, worrying too much, and being angry too much. It sounds weird just typing that out because, on the other hand, I have been trying to focus on God, filled with adoration for Him, and loving seeing Jesus in so much of my everyday. There are obviously two sides of me at conflict right now and when I realize this I get even angrier because I know how it all ends. Jesus wins. We win. The devil, and all the fallen things of this world, will lose! We know the end of the story. Satan knows the end of the story. So, why then, do have moments when we struggle with direction, with life, and with our emotions and choices. God has simplified everything so well but I continue to make it so hard.

 

I was reminded yesterday of what a sweet gift God has given us with our loved ones and I don’t want to waste any of the time I have with the people in my life or the job that God has given me. It’s hard to walk in the Light when you carry too much on your back, and I have been carrying too much on my back. My prayer today is that I will start handing over my worries, my eating, my sleeping, and my stress to God and let Him carry them. He is much better at carrying that kind of stuff than me anyway. And we need to remember that we can chose to live in the struggles of this world or we can choose to live in the victory that we know is Christ Jesus. I want to choose victory!

 

“I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of the day because there is no night there. And all the nations will bring their glory and honor into the city. Nothing evil will be allowed to enter, nor anyone who practices shameful idolatry and dishonesty—-but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.” (Revelations 21:22-27)

 

Safe Haven

“Jesus replied, ‘Friend, who made me a judge over you to decide such things as that?’ Then he said, ‘Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.’” (Luke 12:14-15)

 

I spent much of last night tossing and turning. I was having a hard time sleeping and so I had a lot of time on my hands to think of the news, economy, up-coming elections, and anything else that came across my brain. However, the big thing on my mind has been the Nebraska Safe Haven Law. The law went into affect in July of this year (2008) and already 23 kids have been abandoned. Of these 23, at least four were teenagers…almost adults.

 

I actually can appreciate a law that protects children so well. I find it equally sad that such a law is needed but if it ends babies being found in trash cans or behind broken down buildings I think we are making progress. It’s the older ‘child’ that I am most sad for today. How does it feel to be 17 and dropped off and abandoned? Weren’t there any other options? Weren’t there family or friends that could have helped? What was the situation at home that his or her parents was protection them from?  Was it financial? Was it homelessness? Did it have anything to do with drugs or abuse? And, then, what happens to this teenager? What is the future like? Is it brighter? Is it safer? My heart pounds as I try to wrap this around my brain.

 

Then, as I have done so often lately, I am able to put my own life in perspective. We may not have a lot “extra” assets lying around but our bills are getting paid and we have food on the table, which is enough for me to feel as I am doing everything I need to do for my children and more. There may be things I want to do or I want the kids to do but it may not be in the cards today. However, our family is healthy, we laugh together, we fight together, we say our prayers together, we are part of a beautiful family of faith, and we are full of hope.  What kind of hope did these parents have that they gave up their kids? What kind of future is in store for someone who knows they were abandoned? What aren’t we doing, and what can we do, to reach out the community and help those who need it so that they don’t have to give up their kids?  

 

We are so blessed beyond measure, now is the time, and economic outlook, for us to reach way down within ourselves and see if we are giving, serving, and loving as much as we can to make this world a better place and to build up the Kingdom for Jesus.

 

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his might power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20)

Short and Sweet

“The life of the godly is full of light and joy, but the light of the wicked will be snuffed out.” (Proverbs 13:9)

 

Right at this moment I am experiencing a rare event. I am writing and then going to get ready for work and all around me there is silence, except for a little bit of snoring. The kids do not have school today and so I can let them sleep in. Unfortunately, my quiet morning is plagued with a tired that runs deep from going to bed late, tossing in my sleep, waking up to a little girl with a headache, and then sleeping way past time to get up. However, all that doesn’t matter because I am basking in the silence and as I look out my east facing window I can see the glow of the sun start to creep up over the trees in the horizon. The trees across the street have lost most of their leaves and their old knarled branches stand out in the slowly lightening sky. It’s another morning, on another day, in another year that I can feel the beauty of the world God has made and thank Him for the grace that He has given me.

 

I needed a morning like this. We all experience our own kind of busyness and God gives us little moments like this for us to enjoy….we just have to slow down long enough to see them. How I love moments like this! Moments when it doesn’t feel like I am spinning in different directions or needing to be a superhero, nursemaid, bus driver, or janitor all at the same time. Moments when I know my time is limited but it’s not interrupted. Moments when I can sit in the quiet and the peace of reflect on how God’s love shines in my life. This morning I am able to breathe in and breathe out and smile as I head into my day.

 

“When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers—the moon and the stars that you have set in place—what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them?” (Psalm 8:3-4)