A Big Plan

“But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”  (Matthew 10: 29b-31)

 I have been able to do a lot of reading lately.  The kids and I have been taking trips to the library and I am bringing home 6-8 books a week.  Saturday I read a book that I really felt reached in and touched my soul.  Have you ever had that happen?  I mean I read books I love, read books I can’t get enough of, and read books that I can relate to but this could book could have been about me and could have described my life before Jesus…and after (kinda). 

There is something about walking around feeling worthless and dirty.  There is something about wanting a prince charming to come and rescue you but after reading dirty romance novels you have an unrealistic idea of love and passion.  It wasn’t until Jesus met me where I was that I knew I was worth something.  And it wasn’t until Jesus cleaned away the dirt that I mucked up in my life that I knew what real love was.  It was then that I could truly love my husband and my children.  It was then that I slowly begun to learn about grace, forgiveness, and understanding.

God has a big plan for everyone.  Even in this economic and political turmoil God is here. He is there is your smallest and your biggest celebrations and struggles.  Jesus is there on the left and right.  God is sitting with you in the pew on Sunday morning and at your desk when you go to work Monday morning.  God is with you when you have to have those tough discussions with your kids and He is there when your kids make the right or the wrong decision without you looking over their shoulder.  God’s plan is perfect.  No matter what we decide to do His plan will work.  If anyone could screw up a good plan it’s me (ask the hubby) but God didn’t let me stay in that dark place.  He brought me out and now I can live in the light! 

“For I know the plans” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Smarts

“Give me an understanding heart so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between right and wrong. For who by himself is able to govern this great people of yours?” (1 Kings 3:9)

 

Disciplining your children is so hard.   Actually, being a parent is tough in a lot of ways. You want your kids to be happy and enjoy being a kid but then you have to balance that out with making sure you give them structure and correction at the same time.  When I woke up this morning the first thought in my head was asking God to help show me the way.  My prayers were swimming in questions of guidance and understanding as a parent. Coincidentally, I also read 1 Kings 3: 1-15. I love it when God lets me know He is there and He is listening.

 

Parenting is interesting. We have done things right and we have done things wrong and as we enter into the their teen years it’s not so much about how much we work to make our kids great, it’s about how hard they work to help make their own lives better.  I feel like we are in gridlock some days.  We are constantly, not in a pushy way, giving our children the tools they need to be independent, responsible, and community oriented adults.  We try really hard to live by example.  They may be successful, they may rebel, or they’ll probably do a really kid mix of the two. That’s just our three children. Imagine being the Parent of all of creation!

 

I woke up this morning begging God for guidance.  He gave it to me.  God knows better than anyone how frustrating it is to raise up children who, at times, make bad decisions and don’t get it no matter how many times it is explained.  I was one of those kids!  And I don’t know what path is laid out before my children but I do pray about it everyday.  Most of what I do is to help the kids and to encourage and build them up.  I love being a mom and I have absolutely amazing children.  The smarts I want my children to embrace in life (hopefully sooner than later) come from the ultimate wisdom of God.  Even as old and used up as you may think the Bible is, everything is found right there:  love and live; get rich quick doesn’t work (Proverbs 22:8), laziness doesn’t pay out well either (Romans 12:11), be smart with your finances (Proverbs 21:20), forgive often (Matthew 6: 14-15), and much MUCH more: respect your parents, parents love your children, husbands and wives love each other and adore each other, give give give!!! It’s all right there.  I just hope I am listening as God helps me help them.

 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

You May Not Agree with Me

“You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” (Genesis 4:7-8)

Iowa passed a law allowing same-sex marriage last week. I was not surprised at all. I expected the ruling to go down that way and a part of me is really struggling because I agree with it. Yes, me, the Bible-loving, God fearing, praying, joyful, Christian that I am is very torn because the legal rules, separation of church and state, side of me sees the point. I chose my faith. I chose to follow God and His ways and His design for life, marriage, love, and everything outside and in between. Although I will tell you to get involved in politics, go to meetings, vote as often as you can so that people we want to represent us are in office I do not believe that our Christian disciplines should be forced on anyone.

I know that a homosexual lifestyle is not what I teach my children and it’s not what I want for my children, I can be honest about that. However, I know if one of my children chose that I would still love them and still have them over for dinner. (Why dinner is sticking out in my mind I don’t know.) Then I think of God. He not only loves my gay child but also loves his or her partner, so I would invite that person over for dinner. My children would get a taste of the unconditional love the Father has for us through me even knowing that I don’t approve of their life style. Punishment for sin, and separation from God, is not something I have the right to dish out. And that gay child, believing with all of their heart that Jesus died for his or her sins, has a place in Heaven. There are sins that I struggle with daily that weigh no more than any other sin. The best I believe we can do is strive to live the life that God has planned for us and shine Jesus’ light for the world to see.

The state determining who can be legally united does not diminish the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity of marriage is what WE make of it and how we help other find the beauty in what God originally designed for us. Look at what heterosexual marriages have brought into our society over the last 50 years. When it comes to defending the sanctity of marriage, traditional marriages haven’t done such a great job of being the leaders in good marriages and monogamy in our country today. If we seriously want to make a difference in the world it has to start in our own marriages and then we have to learn to love the way God loves. I cannot stress enough how badly I mess up everyday and every time I go to the cross He forgives me. His example is excellent and perfect. So, you may not agree with me (I am not sure I do) but I just think that God has better ways for us to reach out and in than to verbally or legally attack people whose lifestyles are different than ours and I am sure there is a line there too….

“So the trouble is not with the laws, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good.” (Romans 7:14-16)

Journeys

“I know, Lord, that our lives our not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So, correct me, Lord, but please be gentle.” (Jeremiah 10:23-24)

 

I read that today and I almost started to giggle, even though I know it’s not funny. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have prayed that exact prayer! Even reading it over and over again I can see it in my mind. How many times have I sat in this exact spot and let God know that I know He is in control? How many times have I confessed my sins but then, in the back of my mind, I am chanting “be gentle, be gentle, be gentle”? Do you ever feel good when you know you are not alone in your heart?

 

My journey through the Bible this morning was much of the same. I came across verses, as I did my morning Lent readings, and each time I felt God speaking to me. This is why I love God’s Word because the pages aren’t just filled with words. This tattered book I carry around with me, and try to pick up every morning, has become His voice in my heart. Now, I don’t get these warm fuzzy feelings every time but when I do it’s pretty neat stuff and I reminded once again of God’s beauty and His grace and love. I am reminded of how blessed I am and how much I love Him!

 

So, I finish this up with a few more versus from today.

 

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?” (Psalm 42:1-2)

 

“Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live.” (Psalm 43:3)

 

“For the sin of this one man, Adam, causes death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ,” (Romans 5:17)

 

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Just Another Day

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

 

It’s my husband’s birthday today BUT before anyone goes rushing to their Facebooks, email accounts, or cell phones STOP! He doesn’t want birthday wishes because it’s “just another day”, which of course irritated me enough that it’s all I can think about, hence the subject matter of the day: him. If you wish him happy birthday he may not join me for “just a regular day” lunch at work. So, if I don’t eat it is your fault (wait until after lunch).

 

On this incredibly normal day I will share with you how very irritated my husband can make me. In fact, I am pretty sure he can irritate me more quickly than anyone else on the planet and he is proud of how good he is at doing this. On the other hand, the better one, one smile and my husband can make me laugh and end a fight, which irritates me again! Our friendship, our marriage, and our love is not without its emotional roller coasters but I am blessed every moment he is with me. He is the man I never I knew I needed. He is my lover, my best friend, a wonderful dad, and, I believe, my soul mate.

 

He will always be the first to say that I helped him stay the course. However, I wonder if he will ever know how much his strength and love have helped me put one foot in front of the other. Those few times when my faith gets wobbly he is right there with an infusion of guidance to get me back into place. He would say I am the strong one but it’s when I am not, and I feel like everything is falling apart, he gently walks me back to the Lord’s feet. So, on this incredibly normal day I want to praise and thank God for the man He has so graciously given me to walk with on earth. I am blessed, I am loved, and I am….probably in a bit of trouble!

 

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it.” (Song of Songs 8:6-7a)

Despite Everything

 

“Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind was really like.” (John 2:23-24)

 

I don’t remember ever reading this verse, although I am sure I have over the years. Maybe it just pops out now as I am working so hard to reconcile myself with God. God really knows what mankind is like. God really knows what I am like. If I truly believe that God is all things all the time then there is nothing about me that He doesn’t know. Like David, there is no hiding, which is probably why I can grow so resentful to confessing sometimes because it’s all stuff He already knows. In fact, He knows more about me than I do! But then I feel humbled, I feel my pride and arrogance flake off of me, and I know that Jesus, my Savior, is still with me despite all that I am.

 

His perfect love surrounds me and I can find peace.

 

I can feel him changing me.

 

Jesus gives me hope.

 

Our Lord challenges me to move beyond what I think is possible.

 

He does all this with the sinner that I am.

 

Please don’t ever leave me Jesus!

 

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and then Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28: 19-20)

I want to Live a Verb

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.” (Psalm 18:1-2a)

 

I am a nerd. Actually, I am the nerd of my entire family. Being a nerd I like schedules, budgets, numbers, and routines. However, I don’t do so well with commands and rules because I am also defiant and a little mischievous (go figure). For example: I like to wake up in the morning to pray and read my Bible. I don’t read my Bible and pray because God commands it though. I do those things because I love the Lord and I want to know Him better. I love going to service on Sundays. I don’t go because it’s the law but I go because it’s incredible to worship the God of the universe and be surrounded by so many people who are in love with Him as well. I enjoy teaching and serving on Wednesday nights but it’s not because Jesus requires acts of service. I go in to my classroom on Wednesdays because I want to encourage a great group of awesome kids to be excited and in love with Jesus.

 

I want to live the verb of being in love with Jesus. I want my faith to be moving and living. I never want to sit down for a second.

 

+        I want to reach out into the community

+        I want to love the people in my life unconditionally

+        I want to give and then give some more

+        I want to trust and know that I am free

+        I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend

+        I want to live running and basking and all these things with God in the center of me because I love my Lord….because I love Jesus.

 

I want to bring God with me everywhere I go. Sometimes I leave Him here in this seat after I get done with devotions and for that I feel terrible. He doesn’t want just my mornings. Our Lord wants our everything and I want to give it to Him. I have let go of me and let God in and some days that is hard.  Walk with me, please, as I endure this challenge not because of some rule or ritual but because of  love and devotion to our Father.

 

“Praise the Lord! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns. Let us be glad and rejoice, and let us give honor to him.” (Revelations 19:6a-7a)

Circles

“This my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

 

The kids and I like that verse. We came across it one night during our dinner devotions. I feel like I have hit this wall in my faith that has been difficult to climb, but I am doing it. Each question I have, although unanswered, seems to be getting me higher up that wall. My mind this week has been focused on circles, or rather the relationship in circles. And I refuse to be discouraged because I know God is with me and I am actually working on that very thing: God is with me.

 

I have said it many times. I will promise you that I know it is true. I believe with everything that I have within me that Jesus is alive in me but do I really get it? Do I understand that although I am called to be a light nothing I do, no acts, makes me any higher or any lower that anyone else? Do I get it that God loves me for me, simply for who I am, and not for anything I say or do? Do I understand that everything God has done and everything that our Creator doesn’t do is out of love for us? Can I possibly wrap my human brain around the fact that the One who put the stars into place and knit this body wants me to love Him in return?

 

Faith has to be the easiest and hardest thing in the world. Faith, like love, is a choice. You either have faith or you don’t and you either choose to love someone or you walk away. But like love, faith sometimes feels like you are doing the opposite of what makes sense in a world we have successfully screwed up. I compare my faith and my love of our Abba to my love for the kids. There are days when the frustration wells up inside of me like a volcano and there are days when I fall in love with them all over again.

 

I don’t know how to explain the circles (because now I am just rambling) but as I think about our faith, God’s love for creation, and the struggle therein I am drawing circles in the air with my finger or I am going in circles in my mind. With lines there seems to a beginning and an end and that, right now, just doesn’t seem right.  With a circle God is always present because the Lord is not on the line in the past away from me and He is not way ahead of me in the future but when we are traveling in a circle together we are in the same place all the time. Either direction I look—up, down, left, right—I will find Him. So, I will not give up and will be courageous because I know my God is with me wherever I go even as I climb this wall of questions.

 

“But you, dear friends, must build each other up in your most holy faith, pray in the power of the Holy Spirit, and await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will bring you eternal life. In this way, you will keep yourselves in God’s love.” (Jude 1-20-21)

Made to Love

“Understand, therefore, that the Lord your god is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.” (Deuteronomy 7:9)

 

I have felt jumbled lately, which makes it harder to write. With so many things spinning around in my brain I have a hard time focusing enough to write. Writing has become such an unexpected blessing in my life that I feel incomplete when I can’t do it but if I don’t know what to say it’s better not to say anything. This morning I am going to let a book say it for me.

 

I am reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. My Bible study group is going to be doing this study in a couple weeks and my girlfriend gave me a copy for my birthday. I don’t usually enjoy reading when I am told to do it. I think it forces me to text book mode. Anyway, I was reading it yesterday as I waited in the carpool line. Listen (or read) this: “You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way

around.” (p. 97). I have been thinking about this line ever since. I guess you could say I am meditating on it.

 

Have you ever noticed the hurt and anger in someone’s voice when they talk about their anger toward God? When someone questions the evils of the world and can’t make sense of a god when there is so much terror, genocide, and violence in a “perfect, God-made, world” can you feel their disgust?  I learned a long time ago it usually takes loving someone very much to get to the point where you are disgusted by them. Faith in this world is a tough thing and it takes acknowledging that you will not always understand everything, things will not always go your way, the road will almost never be easy, and pain will come in the same waves as joy.  

 

I wondered around long enough, living in my own world and my own pleasures and my own selfishness that I can tell you that once I learned to love God and receive His love I felt whole.  I didn’t understand anything any more or less par se. But I realized that I was loved unconditionally, something I didn’t understand until that moment and that made a bigger difference than I can describe. I am sure other people had tried to show me that unconditional love but I didn’t get it. I get it now and in turn I try to love in the same way. It’s a bumpy road but I want my children, my husband, my family, my friends, and my family of faith to know this love and to live in it; not making the world any easier to live in but making it a life worth living.

 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Embarrassingly Naked

“I tried to relieve your fears: ‘Don’t be terrified of them. God, your God, is leading the way; he’s fighting for you. You saw with your own eyes what he did for you in Egypt; you saw what he did in the wilderness, how God, your God, carried you as a father carries a child, carried you the whole way until you arrived here. But now that you’re here, you won’t trust God, your God—‘” (Deuteronomy 1:29-31 The Message)

 

I am overwhelmed with family. I am overwhelmed with school. I am overwhelmed with a special needs child. I am overwhelmed trying to be the wife and mother I am called to be. I am overwhelmed with busyness but then overwhelmed when I can’t think of what to do. I am overwhelmed trying to be healthy and lose weight. I am overwhelmed with our finances. I am overwhelmed trying to keep a house and I am overwhelmed trying to keep my faith in line when there are days when it feels like the balls I so precariously juggle are bouncing down the road and I am overwhelmed keeping chasing them down. And what is it again that I try to teach over and over again? I shout out constantly that God is good, when we hand everything over to God we will find peace, and (my favorite) God has a beautiful and perfect plan. Once again it is easier said than done.

 

With all that you may find it incredible that I have peace and reassurance in my faith. In spite of being terribly overwhelmed, some days anyway, I can usually go with the flow fairly well. God has found ways to remind me that I am where I am and, honestly, I couldn’t and wouldn’t change a thing. I love my husband and so I love being his wife. I adore my children and so even the hard days are a joy. I love accounting so work is a reward. I believe I am a student by nature and so school is something I look forward to. And, as far as the juggling….I have never been very good at balance so it’s no wonder that I drop the ball quite often.

 

My point is that everything is about perspective. Yes, I will be the first to admit that there is a lot going on but we have a home, we have food, we have power, we have jobs, we are healthy, and we have an amazing family and circle of friends. God is good. In the chaos of it all I take a big deep breath in and I breath out and I put one foot in front of the other and I smile because, even on the cloudiest day, I am still standing in the Sun.

 

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your hear to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-8)