Silence is Golden

“A time to hear and a time to mend.  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:7)

 For a time I thought I have been experiencing a complete and total burnout.  I thought I was tired from long hours of homework, car pools, house cleaning (or lack there of), driving back and forth to wherever the kids need to be, and training at work which involved many long hours of staring at documents and spreadsheets and trying to remember what each one says. School is over, car pool is over, the kids are home more to help around the house, but now I have joined the planning team for VBS at church and that is keeping me very busy.  I have missed writing every morning but I haven’t been getting up in time to do it. I have felt lonely and like something was missing.

 This week I realized that nothing was missing.  Two things occurred to me at the same time.  First, I promised myself I wouldn’t write just to write and, honestly, I haven’t felt like saying anything lately. Second, nothing at all has been missing.  My plate is most definitely full and it’s full of really great stuff.  My daughter is in an amazing musical that has been eating up my weekends but I love being down at the theater and to be able to share this with her has been a blessing for me.  I love my job and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.  I feel slightly overwhelmed but I know I am where I need to be and it’s going to be all good.  Finally, I am excited to be a part of VBS this year.  It’s crazy, stressful, and a blessing.  I am anxious to see the kids and the leaders walk through those doors Sunday night.  So, nothing has been missing.  God just helped me lighten my load a bit so that I could find balance.

 My relationship with Jesus may have changed a bit in the last couple of months.  I guess if I were to try to explain it I would say that up until May I was sitting down and having coffee with Him as we talked about life (thank you Sally).  Now, I feel like we aren’t talking to each other as much as we are building something great together.  He has never left my side and its okay that someone isn’t always talking in any relationship.  Silence is golden, or maybe silence is me going nuts from mixing too many things together.  So, if things seem crazy or you feel kind of off take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.  I am sure that you are in the midst of an opportunity and you will enjoy it more if you see it now than if you have to constantly look back on it later.

 “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it give us assurance about the things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

A Big Plan

“But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”  (Matthew 10: 29b-31)

 I have been able to do a lot of reading lately.  The kids and I have been taking trips to the library and I am bringing home 6-8 books a week.  Saturday I read a book that I really felt reached in and touched my soul.  Have you ever had that happen?  I mean I read books I love, read books I can’t get enough of, and read books that I can relate to but this could book could have been about me and could have described my life before Jesus…and after (kinda). 

There is something about walking around feeling worthless and dirty.  There is something about wanting a prince charming to come and rescue you but after reading dirty romance novels you have an unrealistic idea of love and passion.  It wasn’t until Jesus met me where I was that I knew I was worth something.  And it wasn’t until Jesus cleaned away the dirt that I mucked up in my life that I knew what real love was.  It was then that I could truly love my husband and my children.  It was then that I slowly begun to learn about grace, forgiveness, and understanding.

God has a big plan for everyone.  Even in this economic and political turmoil God is here. He is there is your smallest and your biggest celebrations and struggles.  Jesus is there on the left and right.  God is sitting with you in the pew on Sunday morning and at your desk when you go to work Monday morning.  God is with you when you have to have those tough discussions with your kids and He is there when your kids make the right or the wrong decision without you looking over their shoulder.  God’s plan is perfect.  No matter what we decide to do His plan will work.  If anyone could screw up a good plan it’s me (ask the hubby) but God didn’t let me stay in that dark place.  He brought me out and now I can live in the light! 

“For I know the plans” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Off Schedule

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

 

I believe my need for schedules really became apparent during the five-plus years I did daycare.  I averaged 4-5 children at a time all under the age of 4 and then some before and after-school kids as well.  About half-way into this new vocation I started taking classes online, working toward the accounting dream I never wanted to admit I had.  Schedules are huge in my life, which means I have excellent time management skills (toot-toot).  However, there is a definite limit to my superhero abilities. I can’t have too much on my plate, even though I try, and if anything throws me off of schedule I am worthless and cannot function to full capacity.

 

This leads to my recent silence.  The classes I am taking right now are overwhelming hard and extremely time consuming.  Last week I had two big tests to take and simply thinking about how hard the tests were going to be stressed me.  On top of that our daughter got a part in the next children’s musical and the parent’s meeting and rehearsals started last week.  And, to make my life ever-more so complicated I discovered that in a fight between a partially opened can and my hand I will always loose, so my right hand was slightly out of commission as well.  I balance my life precariously on a very fined tuned schedule and last week I was off of schedule and, as previously noted, when that happens I tend to not be able to do anything. I got the basics down: kids fed and dressed and I went to work everyday if anything got done above that it was an act of God and I was very thankful to have Him in my life.

 

I know God has a schedule.  I don’t understand it and I don’t think I have followed it very well in the past.  Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has good plans for our future.  I wonder, if when we take our destiny into our own hands, if we throw that schedule off.   I have been thinking that maybe God has point A and point B picked out, knowing we’ll get to point B eventually, but how we get there is up to us?  I know with every bone in my body that God made me an accountant and I love it.  I didn’t get to college right after high school.  In fact, I just kept making babies!  But even though I may have thrown my schedule off I am still arriving at point B.  Even though last week was a sticky walk in the mud for me I still made it through and everyone around me survived as well.  So, when you feel like you have continually messed up the big picture remember God will always show you a way to point B.  We just need to put things in perspective, which means putting our trust in God, and holding onto the hope and promise that God knows what He is doing even when we don’t.

 

“So be careful how you live.  Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise.  Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” (Ephesians 5:15-17)

A Memory

“This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so hat Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.” (1 Timothy: 15-16)

 

Gosh, I had to be about five or six years old. We lived on the third floor of an apartment building. I loved Easter because we got the most incredible baskets. This one year I was super excited. I remember waking up and looking out the window. The sun was starting to light up the sky but had broken through the horizon yet. My bedroom window looked out over the apartment complex’s playground and tennis court. I swear I saw an incredibly large rabbit thee buildings down. I jumped out of bed to search for my basket. I don’t remember where the basket was but this miniature arcade game (Pac-Man) I had was out and I remember thinking it smelled like candy so the Easter Bunny had to have taken a break to play it. I was amazed that the Bunny smelled so sweet. In fact, I convinced myself that, as I put my nose to the carpet, I could smell each of his footsteps through our apartment. 

 

Fast-forward a few years. When I was 20 I went to Easter service with my husband’s family. I had never been to an Easter service and I don’t recall if I knew at that time that Easter Sunday was a special day for Christians and not because of some bunny. I was so nervous at that service (I thought lightening was going to rain down on me) that I truly can’t remember if I heard the message or not but I really liked the music. The year I remember sticking out is when I was 23. I had just received Jesus as my Lord and I recall being amazed during Easter service that year. I simply hadn’t gotten it before. I got it then. I get it now.

 

Today I try to keep my mind on Jesus all day. I have the music I want selected and I have a Bible at my desk at work. I will get mad when I lose my focus and if I fail at my goals today. I just keep reminding myself that nothing I try to accomplish today to worship God silently will ever compare to what Jesus endured on Calvary so very long ago. And on Sunday, because Sunday will come, I will not be anxiously waiting for a bunny to fill my house with the scent of candy. As I rise this Easter morning I will be reminded that Jesus has risen. He has risen for you and He has risen for me. However, until Sunday comes let us be in prayer and remember, not little memories that fill our personal history, but the amazing suffering one man endured so that the rest of us can live.

 

“Then Jesus shouted out again, and he released his spirit. At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was born in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart…(Matthew 27:50-51)

 

Journeys

“I know, Lord, that our lives our not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So, correct me, Lord, but please be gentle.” (Jeremiah 10:23-24)

 

I read that today and I almost started to giggle, even though I know it’s not funny. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have prayed that exact prayer! Even reading it over and over again I can see it in my mind. How many times have I sat in this exact spot and let God know that I know He is in control? How many times have I confessed my sins but then, in the back of my mind, I am chanting “be gentle, be gentle, be gentle”? Do you ever feel good when you know you are not alone in your heart?

 

My journey through the Bible this morning was much of the same. I came across verses, as I did my morning Lent readings, and each time I felt God speaking to me. This is why I love God’s Word because the pages aren’t just filled with words. This tattered book I carry around with me, and try to pick up every morning, has become His voice in my heart. Now, I don’t get these warm fuzzy feelings every time but when I do it’s pretty neat stuff and I reminded once again of God’s beauty and His grace and love. I am reminded of how blessed I am and how much I love Him!

 

So, I finish this up with a few more versus from today.

 

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?” (Psalm 42:1-2)

 

“Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live.” (Psalm 43:3)

 

“For the sin of this one man, Adam, causes death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ,” (Romans 5:17)

 

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Psalm 51

Sometimes the strangest things or methods can work something in my heart. Today, I wasn’t sure what to read so I read Psalm 51. I knew what it was going to say before I read it. I am still struggling and the more I struggle the more I realize the walls in my life I need to tear down, so I guess it’s a good thing even if it is not very much fun. So, today I will share Pslam 51. If you know that you have already read it and think you could stop your devotion right here….you probably need it more than someone else. Just a thought. I could be wrong. However, I read it twice this morning, stopping at certain points longer than others, and then typing it made me want the author’s words to be mine….so there is something therapeutic about the whole thing. I pray, that if you need them, that God uses His word in this particular Psalm to work a wonder in you today.

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,

                because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion,

                Blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt

                Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion;

                It haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;

                I have done what is evil in your sight.

You will proved right in what you say,

                And your judgment  against me is just.

For I was born a sinner—

                Yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb,

                teaching me wisdom even there.

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;

                Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

                you have broken me—

                now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.

                Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

                Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence,

                and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore me to the joy of your salvation,

                and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to the rebels,

                and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;

                Then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord,

                that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.

                You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

                You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O god.

Look with favor in Zion and help her;

                Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—

                with burn offerings and whole burnt offerings.

                Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

I want to Live a Verb

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.” (Psalm 18:1-2a)

 

I am a nerd. Actually, I am the nerd of my entire family. Being a nerd I like schedules, budgets, numbers, and routines. However, I don’t do so well with commands and rules because I am also defiant and a little mischievous (go figure). For example: I like to wake up in the morning to pray and read my Bible. I don’t read my Bible and pray because God commands it though. I do those things because I love the Lord and I want to know Him better. I love going to service on Sundays. I don’t go because it’s the law but I go because it’s incredible to worship the God of the universe and be surrounded by so many people who are in love with Him as well. I enjoy teaching and serving on Wednesday nights but it’s not because Jesus requires acts of service. I go in to my classroom on Wednesdays because I want to encourage a great group of awesome kids to be excited and in love with Jesus.

 

I want to live the verb of being in love with Jesus. I want my faith to be moving and living. I never want to sit down for a second.

 

+        I want to reach out into the community

+        I want to love the people in my life unconditionally

+        I want to give and then give some more

+        I want to trust and know that I am free

+        I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend

+        I want to live running and basking and all these things with God in the center of me because I love my Lord….because I love Jesus.

 

I want to bring God with me everywhere I go. Sometimes I leave Him here in this seat after I get done with devotions and for that I feel terrible. He doesn’t want just my mornings. Our Lord wants our everything and I want to give it to Him. I have let go of me and let God in and some days that is hard.  Walk with me, please, as I endure this challenge not because of some rule or ritual but because of  love and devotion to our Father.

 

“Praise the Lord! For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns. Let us be glad and rejoice, and let us give honor to him.” (Revelations 19:6a-7a)

Made to Love

“Understand, therefore, that the Lord your god is indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands.” (Deuteronomy 7:9)

 

I have felt jumbled lately, which makes it harder to write. With so many things spinning around in my brain I have a hard time focusing enough to write. Writing has become such an unexpected blessing in my life that I feel incomplete when I can’t do it but if I don’t know what to say it’s better not to say anything. This morning I am going to let a book say it for me.

 

I am reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young. My Bible study group is going to be doing this study in a couple weeks and my girlfriend gave me a copy for my birthday. I don’t usually enjoy reading when I am told to do it. I think it forces me to text book mode. Anyway, I was reading it yesterday as I waited in the carpool line. Listen (or read) this: “You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way

around.” (p. 97). I have been thinking about this line ever since. I guess you could say I am meditating on it.

 

Have you ever noticed the hurt and anger in someone’s voice when they talk about their anger toward God? When someone questions the evils of the world and can’t make sense of a god when there is so much terror, genocide, and violence in a “perfect, God-made, world” can you feel their disgust?  I learned a long time ago it usually takes loving someone very much to get to the point where you are disgusted by them. Faith in this world is a tough thing and it takes acknowledging that you will not always understand everything, things will not always go your way, the road will almost never be easy, and pain will come in the same waves as joy.  

 

I wondered around long enough, living in my own world and my own pleasures and my own selfishness that I can tell you that once I learned to love God and receive His love I felt whole.  I didn’t understand anything any more or less par se. But I realized that I was loved unconditionally, something I didn’t understand until that moment and that made a bigger difference than I can describe. I am sure other people had tried to show me that unconditional love but I didn’t get it. I get it now and in turn I try to love in the same way. It’s a bumpy road but I want my children, my husband, my family, my friends, and my family of faith to know this love and to live in it; not making the world any easier to live in but making it a life worth living.

 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Let’s Get Real

“Let  your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.” (Proverbs 18-20)

 

I have heard and read many debates about the purpose of marriage recently. People shout that marriage was simply put in place for procreation. Others defend that marriage is a religious institution and that it should be separate from the state altogether. And still others argue that marriage is a way for two people who love each other to commit their lives to each other publically. I am not about to go into a political debate this morning. However, whatever God intended marriage to be He intended it to be fun….or funny, I can back and forth between the two.

 

When God made Eve He did not tell Adam He was making a baby machine. God made Adam a helpmate or a companion (Genesis 2:18). As you walk through the Bible you read of many people falling in love, staying together for longer than I care to be alive on this earth, having children, making mistakes, growing families, building their homes, fighting wars, and staying together through it all. This is more than two people getting together to simply fill the earth with people (and by the way, if you haven’t noticed, the earth is pretty heavily populated). The Bible shares stories and examples of people sharing their lives, pushing through hard times, and devoting their marriages to God.

 

But let’s get back to the fun part. It is my desire that every married couple truly enjoy themselves. We need to love our husbands and wives with a love that the world does not understand. It’s an agape love that transcends anything you will find in a romance novel. It’s that love that shines when your bride is walking down the isle as much as when your husband is puking all over the bed from food poisoning. It’s that love that sticks with you even when the days are long and you can’t remember what it was that drew you to your spouse. It’s a choice to love someone when they have bad breath or when they wear that one sweater than you like so much. God gave you your spouse. Love them fiercely, even more when you are mad. Enjoy them immensely because you can. Laugh often, fight fair, and be silly whenever you can (that is what works for us anyway). The days won’t always be easy; in fact there will be some parts that suck. But, the journey will be worth it and eternity will make it all clear.

 

“My lover is mine, and I am his. Nightly he strolls in our garden. Delighting in the flowers until dawn breaths in light and night slips away.” (Song of Songs 2:16-17a)

The Promise

“I turned my face away and punished them because of their defilement and their sins. So now, this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will end the captivity of my people; I will have mercy on all Israel, for I jealously guard my holy reputation! They will accept responsibility for their past shame and unfaithfulness after they come home to live in peace in their own land, with no one to bother them. When I bring them home from the lands of their enemies. I will display my holiness among them for all the nations to see. The my people will know that I am the Lord their God, because I sent them away to exile and brought them home again. I will leave non of my people behind. And I will never again turn my face from them, for I will pour out my Spirit upon the people of Israel. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!” (Ezekiel 39:24-29)

 

Sin is real and sin is very present in our lives. For many of us, we were swimming in the values of the world and we got so deep that we didn’t think that God would be able to reach in and pull us safely to shore again, or that He would have wanted to. He did pull us out of the water and He will continue to help us up again every time we fall. He does this because He has poured His Spirit into us and when we accepted that gift we became His sons and daughters.

 

God’s love is greater for us than we can possibly fathom. His desire to be with us, and for us to choose Him, is immeasurable. God wants His family to reflect Him and He wants His family to be with Him. No matter where you have been, or what you have done, God has rescued you and He is with you at all times. We are no longer trapped in the values of ideas of the world. We have been made heirs of God and our worth and value were determined the day that Jesus hung on a cross for ALL the sins of the world. We just have to trust that He is there and ready to help us along the road that leads to Him.

 

“God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him” (John 3:17)