Confessions

“I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.” (Jonah 4:2c)

 

I have been a walking time bomb. I have been praying every morning and every night. I pour myself onto the Lord, probably being way harder on myself than He would be, and this anger welling up inside of me won’t go away.  I feel it way down in the bottom of my chest and it is manifesting itself through my body. I feel it taking hold of me and becoming way too familiar. I carry it around, I wear it on my sleeve, and I look it straight in the eye knowing how awful it is. At this point, the only reason it is still here (because I have begged God to take it away) is because I am holding on to it, now why would I do that?

 

Control. I am feeling terribly out of control right now. I am realizing how anal I have been in that I loose all function when things go out of wack. When even the slightest thing is off the center I have so precariously placed it I have trouble getting from point A to point B. I am surer now than ever before that I am obsessive. But, at the same time I think it’s more than that but I am not quite sure how to find the other side to see what that “more” is exactly. How can such conflict reside in one person? I love the Lord, I know He is the answer to all things, and yet I grasp for control and I am coming up empty all the time. What am I doing wrong?

 

Maybe this is another time for me to wrestle with God. Maybe this is another time when I have to work long and hard to get my heart and mind in line with each other and God once again. I want Him to wash away this anger that is spreading in my life. I want Him to guide me and walk me through this day and this hour and bring me fresh on the other side. But more than anything I want to feel His love and for my Savior to remind me how to love unconditionally and no matter what. I pray that as I walk through Lent with Jesus this year that He will do just that.

 

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a)

Doing Everything Wrong

“He seized the dragon—that old serpent, who is the devil, Satan—and abound him in chains for a thousand years. The angel threw him into the bottomless pit, which he then shut and locked so Satan could not deceive the nations anymore until the thousand years were finished.” (Revelations 20:2-3a)

 

I spent most of yesterday afternoon at the hospital with my sisters. The middle of the three of us had to be admitted. She had some bleeding on her brain that has stopped. However, it has caused her to struggle with her speech and some of her motor skills on her right side. They will be running more tests on her this morning to determine what happened and how to fix it. I was, of course, panicked when I got the phone call but a very good friend talked me through it. Then on the way home I was sad to leave her. Finally, as I am sure my body was completely drained of energy from the day, I realized how lucky we were that she was still alive and I spent the rest of the evening near, or at, tears. I went to bed, and then woke up, very thankful that I get to call her and visit her today….again, on the brink of tears.

 

I feel like I am doing everything wrong lately. I spend lots of my time eating too much, not sleeping enough, being stressed, worrying too much, and being angry too much. It sounds weird just typing that out because, on the other hand, I have been trying to focus on God, filled with adoration for Him, and loving seeing Jesus in so much of my everyday. There are obviously two sides of me at conflict right now and when I realize this I get even angrier because I know how it all ends. Jesus wins. We win. The devil, and all the fallen things of this world, will lose! We know the end of the story. Satan knows the end of the story. So, why then, do have moments when we struggle with direction, with life, and with our emotions and choices. God has simplified everything so well but I continue to make it so hard.

 

I was reminded yesterday of what a sweet gift God has given us with our loved ones and I don’t want to waste any of the time I have with the people in my life or the job that God has given me. It’s hard to walk in the Light when you carry too much on your back, and I have been carrying too much on my back. My prayer today is that I will start handing over my worries, my eating, my sleeping, and my stress to God and let Him carry them. He is much better at carrying that kind of stuff than me anyway. And we need to remember that we can chose to live in the struggles of this world or we can choose to live in the victory that we know is Christ Jesus. I want to choose victory!

 

“I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of the day because there is no night there. And all the nations will bring their glory and honor into the city. Nothing evil will be allowed to enter, nor anyone who practices shameful idolatry and dishonesty—-but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.” (Revelations 21:22-27)

 

The Big Yes!

“For Jesus the Son of God does not waiver between “Yes” and “No.” He is the one whom Silas, Timothy, and I preached to you, and as God’s ultimate “Yes”, he always does what he says. For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding “Yes!” And through Christ, our “Amen” (which means “yes”) ascends to God for his glory”(2 Corinthians 2:19-20)

 

The big yes! I do not remember ever reading these lines before, which gets me excited because that means God hides certain gems in His Word for me discover at different times of my life. But reading Paul saying that Jesus was the ultimate “Yes!” from God simply amazed me today. With the economy sinking deeper into the pot, people losing their jobs, home owners struggling to save their homes, and people doing that precarious balancing act with their finances it’s hard to see the light. Where is God’s answer in all this? Why does it seem like God may not be listening?

 

We need to remember that God has already given us His answer! He gave us, as Paul said, the ultimate “Yes” when He sent Jesus down to save us. Through the prophet Micah, 700 years before Jesus’ birth, God told everyone what His plans were (Micah 5:2-5a). The people must have thought Micah was crazy, but God had His plan and He followed through by giving us the answer to everything: Jesus.

 

Ann Graham Lotz said that as Jesus hung on that cross He took on any possible sin and burden the human race had ever and will ever carry. He knows what you are going through right at this moment and He can sympathize and meet you right where you are. When everything fades, the situation passes, or Jesus raptures His people there will be one underlying theme that has no end: Jesus. So, in all things, if you break it down to what it is really going to take, all you need is Jesus. Jesus is our ultimate answer everyday and that obviously hasn’t changed for 2000 years.

 

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, and our spirits are being renewed everyday. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now, rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Reorganizing

“No one can serve two masters. For you will have one and love the other you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.” (Matthew 6:24)

 

Last summer (2007) my econ teacher said that a good depression would probably benefit us more than hurt us and I have to agree with him. Our own personal finances have been hardest by the gas prices but other than that we have always been kind of tight so we have been used to trying to be conservative with our spending. However, as I listen to the news I hear companies readjusting their projected sales for this coming holiday season but I haven’t heard many people I am incredibly close to talking about cutting back their spending habits but that doesn’t mean that isn’t not happening. Money is a tricky thing.

 

Today is a beautiful day in our economy but let me qualify this. Do you know how hard it is to teach your kids that they don’t need every new toy, game, and gadget when all their friends are getting them? I have been forever thankful that we don’t have a lot of extra money because it has forced us to prioritize and teach the kids some good stuff about values. So, now I look around and I am hoping that this crunch on credit and the slight scare of a slippery economy will force more people to be smarter with their money. My econ teacher said, something to the effect, that today’s generation is so free with their money because we had never really gone through the depressions or wars that our parents and grandparents had experienced. Well, I am hopeful that people will start re-evaluating what they do with their money and we start living smarter as a nation because of what we are experiencing today.

 

So, where are you today? Are you cutting back on expenses? Is there a slow down in your business and you are worried you may have to let some employees go? Do you count on that second job during the Christmas season to help pay for Christmas but with the retailers slowing down you are worried that it won’t happen? Or, have you experienced a reduction in income and you don’t know where the money is going to come from week to week? Or, are you just fine? Wherever you are I hope you are willing to meet Jesus or know that He is right there with you. During this time when people are so scared of the markets and of the banks we can rest assured that we can find the peace and satisfaction we need to keep on going from one source and that is our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart.  And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. Remember, what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again.” (John 14:27-28)

Change

“The Lord of Heaven’s Armies have spoken—who can change his plans? When his hand is raised, who can stop him?” (Isaiah 14:27)

 

I struggle greatly when things change. Granted my body moves along with just about anything, like floating on the sea. But I don’t like change. I like schedules and time management. Our church has gone through great changes over the last 18 months and I have actually dealt with those changes much better than I thought I would. I am very confident in God’s perfect plans so even on days when I do not understand I still trust that He is with us, He knows what is going on, and He has a plan.

 

Have you ever compared the changes and/or trials we experience with that of the Pharisees and their reactions to Jesus? The Jewish people were waiting for the Conqueror, a King, and Savior and Jesus was not what they thought they needed.  God had told them quite clearly what to expect throughout the passages of the Old Testament; starting in Genesis. However, because the Pharisees wanted their own will to be done more than God’s they were blinded by the work God was doing through one man.

 

No one and nothing could have shaken up the church the way Jesus did over two thousand years ago. Is there really anything so hard about the changes we go through everyday that we have to give up or complain? I don’t think so. I think, if anything, this is a time to trust that God’s will is being done and if you have questions to ask them, don’t sit and stew. Pharisees spent much time accusing and complaining but only one of them actually went to Jesus searching (John 3:1-21) and looked how enlightened Nicodemus was that night! Are we searching out God’s will in our lives or are we content blaming, criticizing, and complaining about our circumstances? Do we truly understand that our way is not always the right way and the biggest change, or event, in all of history is the very reason we are saved and can call ourselves sons and daughters of God?  Praise God for change because without we wouldn’t be where we are today. Thank God for your trials because they help you grow.  And thank God you live in a society where you can ask questions, worship freely, and make a difference in this world that will grow His Kingdom and bring us closer to Him.

 

“’For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Losing Focus

“Oh my God, lean down and listen to me.  Open your eyes and see our despair. See how your city—the city that bears your name—lies in ruins.  We make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy.” (Daniel 9:18)

 

It’s that last line: we make this plea, not because we deserve help, but because of your mercy….that got me this morning. I probably read over that line a dozen times and it was another one of those times when I realized I had probably read it before but I don’t remember it affecting me the way it did this morning. I took my eyes off of Jesus this weekend. I didn’t do this out of spite or out of anger; it just sort of happened. Last week was the first week of a truly busy schedule with work, kids, and school. The end of the week was emotionally exhausting in a good way. And then Saturday came and totally bowled me over. I put the biggest telescope my mind could create on my own life and my own stressors and my own circumstances and I forgot to go look to Jesus; I forgot that I didn’t need to carry the strain, worry, and stress that I was mounting on my shoulders.

 

Saturday I was in despair. Sunday God gave me everything I needed. I woke up early to get ready to head up to church for a testimony during 1^st  Service (I hope they know there is a service at 10:45 and they could stay in bed longer if they only went to the later one!). Before I left my husband was out of bed getting the kids breakfasted and pushing them along to get ready. Anyone who knows my husband knows that for him to up and functional voluntarily that early in the morning is a miracle, right there my day could have been set but God wasn’t done yet.  God gave me words for the testimony, brought my family to church for Sunday school and Service, both of which reminded me that it’s not about me. And God sent someone to come in and lift my heart. Joy and peace can only come from God and from serving and loving others.  Our day ended with a FREE trip to the zoo, pie, and a family movie. Sunday was exactly the rest I needed.

 

We may not be able to see the picture clearly but we know that there is one. We may not understand why things go down the way they do but we do know that God has a plan. And God may not shield us from all the trials and tribulations we would like Him to, but we are stronger because of those experiences. Through it all look at Jesus. When you are laughing, look to Jesus. When you are aching from head to toe, look to Jesus. When there is so much joy and so many blessings that you think you could explode, look to Jesus. And when you are so overwhelmed you don’t know how you are going to take the next step….look to Jesus. Always keep Jesus right there in front you of and you will know a peace and joy and hope that words could never describe.

 

“We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” (Romans 5:3-5)

 

 

Be Courageous

“Be strong and courageous, for you are one who will lead these people to posses all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave to you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. This is my command–be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:6-9)

 

God is not going to waste words. God is not going to tell us something and it not mean something, let alone three times!

 

Be strong and courageous.

Be strong and courageous.

Be strong and courageous.

 

This first part of Joshua is beautiful because God is giving us that comfort that He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). He has given us the instruction that we need to live life fully–the BIBLE. And He promises that we will prosper and succeed in all that we do if we take the time to learn His Word and meditate on it.

 

Now, we have to be careful and not put our own definitions on what it means to prosper and what it means to succeed. If you think reading the Bible will bring you that big fat check you are waiting for you may find yourself highly disappointed. However, your spiritual life—your very soul—will prosper and you will succeed in living the life God intended for you and your treasure in Heaven will be massive!

 

So, be strong and courageous. Follow the path that God has laid before you. Turn to God’s Word for guidance in all things and you will find that He lights your path along the way (Psalm 119:105). Love the Lord with everything you have and spend time with Him daily and you will find that the days when it is harder to be strong and courageous that He will step in with His might and put the muscle in for you.

 

“For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:19)

It’s Breaking

“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hunger, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?….No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” (Romans 8:35, 37)

 

Have I mentioned I love the weather we have had lately? It’s been cool and kind of rainy and for some reason I have been basking in it. I am not usually this excited about the cold coming in but it just seems like such a nice relief. However, with the cold hitting my skin I have noticed that stress and worry have been hitting my heart and maybe even my soul. Is it just me or does there seem to be more stress, breaking relationships, grief, and pain right now? Has the gray sky of the season blocked out our ability to see all the blessings in our lives?

 

Lord, I really don’t know what is going on but I know that so many people need so much healing. We need healing in our homes, in our relationships, in our bodies, and in our hearts. O God, please remind us that You are always near and always walking with us. Dear Jesus, help me, and everyone, peel away the layers that keep us from experiencing Your peace and comfort and the layers that keep us from the people I love or need to love. Lord, guide our hands, feet, and hearts towards Your will and Your perfect plan. May we chose to walk with You Lord and may You please give us the strength to do just that….even when it seems so much easier to walk away. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b)

A Beautiful Sound

“Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked?” (Ecclesiastes 7:13)

 

This verse caught my eyes this morning. Lots of versus I try to look up, or that I come across, have to do with God’s perfect plan or the beauty and perfection of God’s ways over mine. However, sometimes perfection is hard to see when our lives are so broken at times. So, I like the idea of not trying to see the beauty of something but, instead, admiring the brokenness.

 

You have to admit that it is not our smooth sailing and happy go lucky lives that bring us to our knees before God. Although we can look back and ask God why He would allow something to happen, when it comes down to it would you have changed it? The trials I have gone through, the valleys that Jesus has carried me out of and the mistakes I have made have done more to deepen my lean on God more than anything else in my life. I have slowly discovered that depending on me and relying on the world is not the way I was designed and we all know that when we do not use things the way the manufacturer intended the warrantee does not cover the damage.

 

Geoffrey Moore sings a song called “Beautiful Sound”. In this song he names events that make a beautiful sound: waves crashing down, knees hitting the ground, song of praise, lost being found, a proud man breaking. All these things can bring us closer to God and how much more beautiful is that? Without breaking would we still seek out God or would continue to rely on ourselves? Would we go to our Maker for redemption if we thought we could do it on our own? I thank God for the crooked path my life has taken at times because I am even more thankful for the grace that He has given me because of it.

 

“’In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord’” (Jeremiah 29:12-14a)

A Deeper Kind of Sadness

“I lift my hands to you in prayer.  I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me for my depression deepens.” (Psalm 143:6-7)

 

When my husband and I were first living together he thought I was a very unnatural creature indeed. You see, most mornings I pop out of bed ready to start with my day full force. He may leave his bed, eventually, in the morning but doesn’t really wake up for a few hours. He thought it was weird for someone to be so cheerful that early in the morning and not only that, I would stay my poppin-self until it was time to go to bed and crash. I annoy him to no end because, for the most part, this has not changed.  I can say that I am generally a cheerful person and I enjoy life greatly. I love to laugh and play…even through the serious stuff.

 

However, I have been in the dark valleys of life. I am human and there are days that I have tell myself to put one foot in front of the other just to make it through but that is still not the lowest I have been. I have gone so deep that I was afraid I wouldn’t ever come out. My senior year of high school I got very depressed and ended up in the hospital for a small length of time. I hated it there. Everyone kept looking at me funny, asking me what I was thinking, and kept drawing blood for tests. I had to talk with a counselor who was awfully nosy and I had cameras following me every where I went. My parents and my sisters were great. I had support but I didn’t think I needed it. At the same time I remember the pain that went much further than the pit of my stomach and nothing could take it away.

 

Looking back I wish I would have known to reach out for God. Even if I didn’t know what to say to Him I wish I had known how powerful His presence was in my life, even then. I wish I would have known what a comfort His Words are. I wish I would have known that it okay that I had made mistakes and that I wasn’t perfect because He would make me whole. I just wish I would have known Him.

 

I don’t know what you are going through today and I can’t say that I would know exactly how to help you if you came to me. I do know that while you are with me I could pray with you or for you. I could hold your hand and try to bring out a smile. I do know, though, that God is walking right there beside you even if you can’t feel Him. I do know that if you don’t know what to say the Holy Spirit will say it for you. And I don’t know if you will find your answers but I do know that you are loved fiercely and what you do not know today you will know with your first breath in Heaven where you will be with Comforter for the rest of time.

 

“Can anything separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger or threatened with death?  (As the Scriptures say, ‘For your sakes we are killed everyday; we are being slaughtered like sheep’)  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” (Romans 8: 35-37)