Hiding

“Well then, you might say, ‘Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven’t they simply done what he makes them do?’” (Romans 9:19)

 

I love writing. My passion may have been hard to see lately, since my schedule has begun to overwhelm me again, but I do love writing. And I am not sure if it is the writing so much as that I feel obligated to do it. Because of this obligation I feel God is sometimes holding a magnifying glass to my life, somewhat like what salaried church staff may experience without my name being in the bulletin (oh yeah, and without the salary). I appreciate this magnifying glass immensely because not only is God using the jumbled up morning ramblings of a random woman to reach out to people but He has chipped away at the fortress I built around myself and there is very rarely anything in my life that everyone cannot see. You all walk this path with me and I may hesitate but I always end up sharing my struggles and my triumphs, regardless if you want to hear it or not. God is who I am accountable for in all things. Because I am in Him there is no hiding.

 

Sometimes I wish I had God’s knack for knowing everything that goes on in the heart of His children. Although, I will admit that the idea scares me. I believe God knows every miscellaneous thought that has crossed my brain and/or heart, which makes me want to hurl. There are days when I wish I could be with my kids throughout every moment like God is with me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so scared of what they may encounter. There are other days when I am thankful for their trials because they will hopefully learn and grow from them as I have from mine. Whereas I cannot hide from God, my children (and anyone else for that matter) can hide from me. I pray for the day when my children love God the way that I do and know that there is no reality in hiding from the Creator of the universe.

 

I am thankful that our God is not holding strings and dictating our every move because then I don’t think life would be worth living. I am equally thankful that I feel extremely accountable to God and that He has placed people in my life to pick me up when I fall. Two days ago, if you were to ask me what my biggest fear would be I would have told you that I didn’t have one. Now, I realize that my biggest fear is what my children may choose to hide from me as they grow. I can tell you, I think with all honesty, that I, unlike God, do NOT want to know everything. I will be frank and say that there are somethings I would rather just pretend won’t happen. But I don’t want to be the parent with rose colored glasses who misses everything. I simply pray that as my children live their lives that they look to God, and the people He has placed in their lives, to help pick them up when they fall. I pray they realize there really is no hiding, no matter how well they guard themselves.

 

if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

 

Journeys

“I know, Lord, that our lives our not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So, correct me, Lord, but please be gentle.” (Jeremiah 10:23-24)

 

I read that today and I almost started to giggle, even though I know it’s not funny. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have prayed that exact prayer! Even reading it over and over again I can see it in my mind. How many times have I sat in this exact spot and let God know that I know He is in control? How many times have I confessed my sins but then, in the back of my mind, I am chanting “be gentle, be gentle, be gentle”? Do you ever feel good when you know you are not alone in your heart?

 

My journey through the Bible this morning was much of the same. I came across verses, as I did my morning Lent readings, and each time I felt God speaking to me. This is why I love God’s Word because the pages aren’t just filled with words. This tattered book I carry around with me, and try to pick up every morning, has become His voice in my heart. Now, I don’t get these warm fuzzy feelings every time but when I do it’s pretty neat stuff and I reminded once again of God’s beauty and His grace and love. I am reminded of how blessed I am and how much I love Him!

 

So, I finish this up with a few more versus from today.

 

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?” (Psalm 42:1-2)

 

“Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live.” (Psalm 43:3)

 

“For the sin of this one man, Adam, causes death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ,” (Romans 5:17)

 

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

Confessions

“I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.” (Jonah 4:2c)

 

I have been a walking time bomb. I have been praying every morning and every night. I pour myself onto the Lord, probably being way harder on myself than He would be, and this anger welling up inside of me won’t go away.  I feel it way down in the bottom of my chest and it is manifesting itself through my body. I feel it taking hold of me and becoming way too familiar. I carry it around, I wear it on my sleeve, and I look it straight in the eye knowing how awful it is. At this point, the only reason it is still here (because I have begged God to take it away) is because I am holding on to it, now why would I do that?

 

Control. I am feeling terribly out of control right now. I am realizing how anal I have been in that I loose all function when things go out of wack. When even the slightest thing is off the center I have so precariously placed it I have trouble getting from point A to point B. I am surer now than ever before that I am obsessive. But, at the same time I think it’s more than that but I am not quite sure how to find the other side to see what that “more” is exactly. How can such conflict reside in one person? I love the Lord, I know He is the answer to all things, and yet I grasp for control and I am coming up empty all the time. What am I doing wrong?

 

Maybe this is another time for me to wrestle with God. Maybe this is another time when I have to work long and hard to get my heart and mind in line with each other and God once again. I want Him to wash away this anger that is spreading in my life. I want Him to guide me and walk me through this day and this hour and bring me fresh on the other side. But more than anything I want to feel His love and for my Savior to remind me how to love unconditionally and no matter what. I pray that as I walk through Lent with Jesus this year that He will do just that.

 

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a)

Embarrassingly Naked

“I tried to relieve your fears: ‘Don’t be terrified of them. God, your God, is leading the way; he’s fighting for you. You saw with your own eyes what he did for you in Egypt; you saw what he did in the wilderness, how God, your God, carried you as a father carries a child, carried you the whole way until you arrived here. But now that you’re here, you won’t trust God, your God—‘” (Deuteronomy 1:29-31 The Message)

 

I am overwhelmed with family. I am overwhelmed with school. I am overwhelmed with a special needs child. I am overwhelmed trying to be the wife and mother I am called to be. I am overwhelmed with busyness but then overwhelmed when I can’t think of what to do. I am overwhelmed trying to be healthy and lose weight. I am overwhelmed with our finances. I am overwhelmed trying to keep a house and I am overwhelmed trying to keep my faith in line when there are days when it feels like the balls I so precariously juggle are bouncing down the road and I am overwhelmed keeping chasing them down. And what is it again that I try to teach over and over again? I shout out constantly that God is good, when we hand everything over to God we will find peace, and (my favorite) God has a beautiful and perfect plan. Once again it is easier said than done.

 

With all that you may find it incredible that I have peace and reassurance in my faith. In spite of being terribly overwhelmed, some days anyway, I can usually go with the flow fairly well. God has found ways to remind me that I am where I am and, honestly, I couldn’t and wouldn’t change a thing. I love my husband and so I love being his wife. I adore my children and so even the hard days are a joy. I love accounting so work is a reward. I believe I am a student by nature and so school is something I look forward to. And, as far as the juggling….I have never been very good at balance so it’s no wonder that I drop the ball quite often.

 

My point is that everything is about perspective. Yes, I will be the first to admit that there is a lot going on but we have a home, we have food, we have power, we have jobs, we are healthy, and we have an amazing family and circle of friends. God is good. In the chaos of it all I take a big deep breath in and I breath out and I put one foot in front of the other and I smile because, even on the cloudiest day, I am still standing in the Sun.

 

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your hear to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-8)

In the Wilderness

“See, I am sending an angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.” (Exodus 23:20)

 

Have you ever been lost? Have you ever been lost and known the way but couldn’t figure out how to the get there at the same time? Have you ever been lost, known the way, asked God for guidance and help getting there, and still didn’t get to where you knew you needed to be? That is the place I find myself leaving today. Being stuck somewhere of my own direction, knowing which way to go, but then just standing there because I can’t figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.

 

We have failed our finances for 12 years. I would love to say that our finances have failed us but, no, we have failed our finances. As a couple we never took care of our money together and we never set up budgets. Every month it felt like we were falling and any second some big disaster would take everything away. We even reached that point where I looked at my husband and said, “we aren’t going to make it like this any more”. Looking back I am not sure that was true. But everything looks different in hindsight. Regardless, we made extremely serious changes and still we couldn’t seem to make anything make financial sense. I was that person, every morning, begging God to guide us and help us financially.

 

We are taking a course called “Financial Peace University” by Dave Ramsey. I recommend that anyone, regardless of financial position, take this course. For the first time my husband and I are on working our finances together. For the first time our money is starting to feel in control, for the most part (we are still learning). For the first time I feel like although we are still in the wilderness, we are heading to everything that God has promised us, which is peace and hope. I feel like God has placed a big spotlight on our destination, since we were too dumb and blind to see it before, and that as long as we stay focused on God and on that goal we will get there.

 

“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both love and money.” (Matthew 6:24)

So Frustrated

“I lift you high in praise, my God, O my King! And I will bless your name into eternity.” (Psalm 145:1 Message)

 

This was not the way I wanted to start my morning. We have been scolding our oldest son. It’s hard for me because I feel sorry for his self-inflicted problem he is in but it is so hard to go over the same things over and over again and feel like his anger is preventing him from really hearing anything we have to say.

 

I wonder how often God feels that way. Many of our life circumstances, good or bad, are a result of our own choices. He tells us, He shows us, He gives us grace over and over and over again and here we are…still in the same rut. Even the things I know I need to change about me and my lifestyles are so extremely hard to change but I know everything I need to know and I make my mistakes anyway. Why is that?

 

We need to trust God enough to make the right decisions. We need to follow His ways. Have you ever noticed that we say God has a perfect plan but we don’t want to do it His way? And then, when you realize you were going the wrong direction and feel the peace of following that narrow path, you may steel veer off into a different direction because it looked pretty good? How can I raise a child when I am such a wreck some days? What has God given me that I am not using to push through these obstacles? All the answers are right there.

 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.  I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 The Message)*

*thanks Suzanne!

Doing Everything Wrong

“He seized the dragon—that old serpent, who is the devil, Satan—and abound him in chains for a thousand years. The angel threw him into the bottomless pit, which he then shut and locked so Satan could not deceive the nations anymore until the thousand years were finished.” (Revelations 20:2-3a)

 

I spent most of yesterday afternoon at the hospital with my sisters. The middle of the three of us had to be admitted. She had some bleeding on her brain that has stopped. However, it has caused her to struggle with her speech and some of her motor skills on her right side. They will be running more tests on her this morning to determine what happened and how to fix it. I was, of course, panicked when I got the phone call but a very good friend talked me through it. Then on the way home I was sad to leave her. Finally, as I am sure my body was completely drained of energy from the day, I realized how lucky we were that she was still alive and I spent the rest of the evening near, or at, tears. I went to bed, and then woke up, very thankful that I get to call her and visit her today….again, on the brink of tears.

 

I feel like I am doing everything wrong lately. I spend lots of my time eating too much, not sleeping enough, being stressed, worrying too much, and being angry too much. It sounds weird just typing that out because, on the other hand, I have been trying to focus on God, filled with adoration for Him, and loving seeing Jesus in so much of my everyday. There are obviously two sides of me at conflict right now and when I realize this I get even angrier because I know how it all ends. Jesus wins. We win. The devil, and all the fallen things of this world, will lose! We know the end of the story. Satan knows the end of the story. So, why then, do have moments when we struggle with direction, with life, and with our emotions and choices. God has simplified everything so well but I continue to make it so hard.

 

I was reminded yesterday of what a sweet gift God has given us with our loved ones and I don’t want to waste any of the time I have with the people in my life or the job that God has given me. It’s hard to walk in the Light when you carry too much on your back, and I have been carrying too much on my back. My prayer today is that I will start handing over my worries, my eating, my sleeping, and my stress to God and let Him carry them. He is much better at carrying that kind of stuff than me anyway. And we need to remember that we can chose to live in the struggles of this world or we can choose to live in the victory that we know is Christ Jesus. I want to choose victory!

 

“I saw no temple in the city, for the Lord God Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of sun or moon, for the glory of God illuminates the city, and the Lamb is its light. The nations will walk in its light, and the kings of the world will enter the city in all their glory. Its gates will never be closed at the end of the day because there is no night there. And all the nations will bring their glory and honor into the city. Nothing evil will be allowed to enter, nor anyone who practices shameful idolatry and dishonesty—-but only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.” (Revelations 21:22-27)

 

I got that…maybe not

“Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do.” (1 Peter 4:4)

 

There were many passages I read this morning that really caused me to pause and ask: Do I get it? How is it that 2,000 years ago that people were going through the same things as we do today. I haven’t had any issues with former friends the way others I know have but there are other things that I can relate to and, yet still, other things I wish I felt I understood better.

 

Like 1 Peter 4:12 “Dear friends, don’t be surprised at that fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange is happening to you.” I got that. Our salvation does not keep us from life’s trials and we can use them to become stronger for God. I will honestly say I don’t like the trials and since I seem to go through the same trial over and over again I feel as though I am either not learning what He is trying to show me or that He is building me up for something.

 

2 Peter 2:19b “For you are a slave to whatever controls you.” This one sucks. There is no one person I feel that controls me. However, there are times when I feel out of control and I can’t seem to turn on my self-control button. The Bible says the Spirit gives us self-control, I just haven’t done a very good job of figuring out where it is. Consequently, there are days when I feel like I am a slave to my lack of self-control when I would much rather feel like a slave to God, whom I gladly serve.

 

1 John 1:9 “but if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” If we confess all our sins but forget one, I mean honestly forget, are we not truly forgiven. Once we accept Jesus into our hearts and are saved does that mean past, present, and future sins are forgiven by default? What if you die before you have a chance to confess a sin? Does it make a difference if that sin was by ‘accident” or if it was deliberate?

 

I imagine many of my questions, and some days there are more than others, won’t be answered while I breathe on this earth. Sometimes there are probably only questions that can be answered by God Himself, or questions we will most definitely see on the other side of Heaven. I am okay with not knowing all the answers though. Having a direct answer to any of my questions does not help decide if I have faith or not. I am pretty sure I had even more questions the day I stepped over that line into faith and belief. This morning I am just glad that God took the time to make sure His Word spoke to me, right where I am, this very moment in time, telling me He knows and He loves. Those are the only answers I really need.

 

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” (1 John 4:10)

Standing Strong

“If you think you are standing strong be careful not to fall. The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  And God is faithful.  He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  When you are temped, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13)

 

I never want to be comfortable in my faith. I never want to feel as if I could find all the answers. I never want to think that I have done all I need to do in my faith and, therefore, I can sit back and wait for the day when Jesus brings me home. I am scared that if I were ever to get to the day when I was comfortable I would loose the joy in my faith and stop growing. A good pastor once said if you’re not growing, you’re dying. The only death I fear is a spiritual one so I will continue to pray and I will continue and read the Bible and I will continue to volunteer because I want to keep growing.

 

The only expected blessing I have is an eternity with Jesus, everything else is icing. There has only been one time when I wanted to shout to God and scream at Him and ask Him why. Many of the trials we go through are almost always self-inflected and if they aren’t self-inflected I can see the way God is working through everything. We had some upsets to our income this past fall, which is in addition to three years of ups and downs. However, right around this time we did a service on financial giving, which I do so gladly. But this time I was upset because it was said that if you are not giving to God you are stealing from Him. Well, we were giving! We were giving gladly and things still got tough! I was so angry and for one brief moment I wanted to give up, which is so much worse than being comfortable. For one brief moment I wanted to throw in the towel because we are passionate servants of Christ and we constantly go through these trials that grind down my energy and keep me from sleeping well at night.  

 

Then I remembered what I have always known: our trials shape up, Jesus provides all our needs, Jesus will guide us, and there is a plan. Okay, I can handle that. I can’t say that I always like it because I don’t like walking around in the dark. But I can say that as long as the Lord continues to mold me and put me through the fire that I will let Him shape me with His Words, His plan, and His love. Sometimes I think he pokes me too hard but, again, I suppose the Creator of the universe knows how much it’s going to take to bring me wherever it is that He is taking me. How could I ever get comfortable? God’s always shaking things up. I don’t sit down long enough to be comfy and I don’t plan to either.

 

“I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure. I will refine them like silver and purify them like gold. They will call my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” (Zechariah 13:9)

Change

“The Lord of Heaven’s Armies have spoken—who can change his plans? When his hand is raised, who can stop him?” (Isaiah 14:27)

 

I struggle greatly when things change. Granted my body moves along with just about anything, like floating on the sea. But I don’t like change. I like schedules and time management. Our church has gone through great changes over the last 18 months and I have actually dealt with those changes much better than I thought I would. I am very confident in God’s perfect plans so even on days when I do not understand I still trust that He is with us, He knows what is going on, and He has a plan.

 

Have you ever compared the changes and/or trials we experience with that of the Pharisees and their reactions to Jesus? The Jewish people were waiting for the Conqueror, a King, and Savior and Jesus was not what they thought they needed.  God had told them quite clearly what to expect throughout the passages of the Old Testament; starting in Genesis. However, because the Pharisees wanted their own will to be done more than God’s they were blinded by the work God was doing through one man.

 

No one and nothing could have shaken up the church the way Jesus did over two thousand years ago. Is there really anything so hard about the changes we go through everyday that we have to give up or complain? I don’t think so. I think, if anything, this is a time to trust that God’s will is being done and if you have questions to ask them, don’t sit and stew. Pharisees spent much time accusing and complaining but only one of them actually went to Jesus searching (John 3:1-21) and looked how enlightened Nicodemus was that night! Are we searching out God’s will in our lives or are we content blaming, criticizing, and complaining about our circumstances? Do we truly understand that our way is not always the right way and the biggest change, or event, in all of history is the very reason we are saved and can call ourselves sons and daughters of God?  Praise God for change because without we wouldn’t be where we are today. Thank God for your trials because they help you grow.  And thank God you live in a society where you can ask questions, worship freely, and make a difference in this world that will grow His Kingdom and bring us closer to Him.

 

“’For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)