Silence is Golden

“A time to hear and a time to mend.  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:7)

 For a time I thought I have been experiencing a complete and total burnout.  I thought I was tired from long hours of homework, car pools, house cleaning (or lack there of), driving back and forth to wherever the kids need to be, and training at work which involved many long hours of staring at documents and spreadsheets and trying to remember what each one says. School is over, car pool is over, the kids are home more to help around the house, but now I have joined the planning team for VBS at church and that is keeping me very busy.  I have missed writing every morning but I haven’t been getting up in time to do it. I have felt lonely and like something was missing.

 This week I realized that nothing was missing.  Two things occurred to me at the same time.  First, I promised myself I wouldn’t write just to write and, honestly, I haven’t felt like saying anything lately. Second, nothing at all has been missing.  My plate is most definitely full and it’s full of really great stuff.  My daughter is in an amazing musical that has been eating up my weekends but I love being down at the theater and to be able to share this with her has been a blessing for me.  I love my job and the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.  I feel slightly overwhelmed but I know I am where I need to be and it’s going to be all good.  Finally, I am excited to be a part of VBS this year.  It’s crazy, stressful, and a blessing.  I am anxious to see the kids and the leaders walk through those doors Sunday night.  So, nothing has been missing.  God just helped me lighten my load a bit so that I could find balance.

 My relationship with Jesus may have changed a bit in the last couple of months.  I guess if I were to try to explain it I would say that up until May I was sitting down and having coffee with Him as we talked about life (thank you Sally).  Now, I feel like we aren’t talking to each other as much as we are building something great together.  He has never left my side and its okay that someone isn’t always talking in any relationship.  Silence is golden, or maybe silence is me going nuts from mixing too many things together.  So, if things seem crazy or you feel kind of off take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.  I am sure that you are in the midst of an opportunity and you will enjoy it more if you see it now than if you have to constantly look back on it later.

 “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it give us assurance about the things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

A Big Plan

“But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”  (Matthew 10: 29b-31)

 I have been able to do a lot of reading lately.  The kids and I have been taking trips to the library and I am bringing home 6-8 books a week.  Saturday I read a book that I really felt reached in and touched my soul.  Have you ever had that happen?  I mean I read books I love, read books I can’t get enough of, and read books that I can relate to but this could book could have been about me and could have described my life before Jesus…and after (kinda). 

There is something about walking around feeling worthless and dirty.  There is something about wanting a prince charming to come and rescue you but after reading dirty romance novels you have an unrealistic idea of love and passion.  It wasn’t until Jesus met me where I was that I knew I was worth something.  And it wasn’t until Jesus cleaned away the dirt that I mucked up in my life that I knew what real love was.  It was then that I could truly love my husband and my children.  It was then that I slowly begun to learn about grace, forgiveness, and understanding.

God has a big plan for everyone.  Even in this economic and political turmoil God is here. He is there is your smallest and your biggest celebrations and struggles.  Jesus is there on the left and right.  God is sitting with you in the pew on Sunday morning and at your desk when you go to work Monday morning.  God is with you when you have to have those tough discussions with your kids and He is there when your kids make the right or the wrong decision without you looking over their shoulder.  God’s plan is perfect.  No matter what we decide to do His plan will work.  If anyone could screw up a good plan it’s me (ask the hubby) but God didn’t let me stay in that dark place.  He brought me out and now I can live in the light! 

“For I know the plans” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Play Ball

“I called out to you so often, but you wouldn’t come.  I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.  You ignored my advice and rejected the correction I offered.” (Proverbs 1:24-25)

 The first few innings of last night’s softball game didn’t start out so great.  This was our first game in two weeks and our third time playing together.  Our team is made up of people who really don’t know each other.  We were grateful the first game because we came together quite nicely, last night we were off.  I really shouldn’t judge.  I play as little as possible (I am subbing and only as I favor, I didn’t want to play this year), so I feel bad when I cringe at the errors made on the field but something had to give.  

During the top of the fifth inning I looked at the other player in the dugout and suggested that we move some people around.  He agreed and we quickly decided who would move where.  Luckily, everyone on our team is pretty easy going and they each are willing to play where ever they are needed.  A couple of swaps of positions and we saw an immediate difference.  Before they were able to get almost ten runs, after the change they only got a couple more.  We did lose the game but we lost pleased with ourselves for knowing when to make changes and listening to the team in an encouraging way to perform as best as we could. 

 There are so many times when it feels like I am doing the same thing over and over again.  Everything becomes routine, regardless if it working or not.  There are other times when new ideas are presented that I just want to shut them down because there is no way that they would ever work.  I cannot count the number of times I should have changed or the limitless number of times an idea I thought was crazy turned out to be extremely successful.  I need to remember that I am not walking alone and I need to listen to God and be more open-minded to the people in my life.  I want to be humble and moldable.  Sometimes I feel hard and flaky.  Listen.  Listen for God and listen to the things going around you.  You may be surprised at what is waiting for you on the other side and you may just experience a better inning in life than you were expecting.

 “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19a)

Off Schedule

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

 

I believe my need for schedules really became apparent during the five-plus years I did daycare.  I averaged 4-5 children at a time all under the age of 4 and then some before and after-school kids as well.  About half-way into this new vocation I started taking classes online, working toward the accounting dream I never wanted to admit I had.  Schedules are huge in my life, which means I have excellent time management skills (toot-toot).  However, there is a definite limit to my superhero abilities. I can’t have too much on my plate, even though I try, and if anything throws me off of schedule I am worthless and cannot function to full capacity.

 

This leads to my recent silence.  The classes I am taking right now are overwhelming hard and extremely time consuming.  Last week I had two big tests to take and simply thinking about how hard the tests were going to be stressed me.  On top of that our daughter got a part in the next children’s musical and the parent’s meeting and rehearsals started last week.  And, to make my life ever-more so complicated I discovered that in a fight between a partially opened can and my hand I will always loose, so my right hand was slightly out of commission as well.  I balance my life precariously on a very fined tuned schedule and last week I was off of schedule and, as previously noted, when that happens I tend to not be able to do anything. I got the basics down: kids fed and dressed and I went to work everyday if anything got done above that it was an act of God and I was very thankful to have Him in my life.

 

I know God has a schedule.  I don’t understand it and I don’t think I have followed it very well in the past.  Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has good plans for our future.  I wonder, if when we take our destiny into our own hands, if we throw that schedule off.   I have been thinking that maybe God has point A and point B picked out, knowing we’ll get to point B eventually, but how we get there is up to us?  I know with every bone in my body that God made me an accountant and I love it.  I didn’t get to college right after high school.  In fact, I just kept making babies!  But even though I may have thrown my schedule off I am still arriving at point B.  Even though last week was a sticky walk in the mud for me I still made it through and everyone around me survived as well.  So, when you feel like you have continually messed up the big picture remember God will always show you a way to point B.  We just need to put things in perspective, which means putting our trust in God, and holding onto the hope and promise that God knows what He is doing even when we don’t.

 

“So be careful how you live.  Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise.  Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.” (Ephesians 5:15-17)

You May Not Agree with Me

“You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” (Genesis 4:7-8)

Iowa passed a law allowing same-sex marriage last week. I was not surprised at all. I expected the ruling to go down that way and a part of me is really struggling because I agree with it. Yes, me, the Bible-loving, God fearing, praying, joyful, Christian that I am is very torn because the legal rules, separation of church and state, side of me sees the point. I chose my faith. I chose to follow God and His ways and His design for life, marriage, love, and everything outside and in between. Although I will tell you to get involved in politics, go to meetings, vote as often as you can so that people we want to represent us are in office I do not believe that our Christian disciplines should be forced on anyone.

I know that a homosexual lifestyle is not what I teach my children and it’s not what I want for my children, I can be honest about that. However, I know if one of my children chose that I would still love them and still have them over for dinner. (Why dinner is sticking out in my mind I don’t know.) Then I think of God. He not only loves my gay child but also loves his or her partner, so I would invite that person over for dinner. My children would get a taste of the unconditional love the Father has for us through me even knowing that I don’t approve of their life style. Punishment for sin, and separation from God, is not something I have the right to dish out. And that gay child, believing with all of their heart that Jesus died for his or her sins, has a place in Heaven. There are sins that I struggle with daily that weigh no more than any other sin. The best I believe we can do is strive to live the life that God has planned for us and shine Jesus’ light for the world to see.

The state determining who can be legally united does not diminish the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity of marriage is what WE make of it and how we help other find the beauty in what God originally designed for us. Look at what heterosexual marriages have brought into our society over the last 50 years. When it comes to defending the sanctity of marriage, traditional marriages haven’t done such a great job of being the leaders in good marriages and monogamy in our country today. If we seriously want to make a difference in the world it has to start in our own marriages and then we have to learn to love the way God loves. I cannot stress enough how badly I mess up everyday and every time I go to the cross He forgives me. His example is excellent and perfect. So, you may not agree with me (I am not sure I do) but I just think that God has better ways for us to reach out and in than to verbally or legally attack people whose lifestyles are different than ours and I am sure there is a line there too….

“So the trouble is not with the laws, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good.” (Romans 7:14-16)

I Can’t Do That

“For all of creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.” (Romans 8:19)

 

Friend: “I believe Jesus Christ died for my sins. I think there is something I should do now. Maybe we’ll come to church with you”

 

Me: “Theoretically, if you really believe that Jesus died for your sins you are in.”

 

Friend: “I think I should get baptized now”

 

Me: “I would love to be there for that.”

 

Friend: “There has gotta be something I am supposed to do. It can’t be as easy as just saying Jesus saved me.”

 

Me: “I know it sounds too easy but as long as you believe you are saved”

 

This is a demonstration of me trying to reconstruct a conversation I had yesterday. There was, obviously, much more in there but I tried to capture the main idea. The person I was talking to had such a hard time capturing the idea that nothing else was required of him for salvation except to believe in Jesus. He was talking about living a better life, afraid he was just covering his butt because he truly believes the end of the world could come at any moment, and, although I know he was more than likely baptized when he was a baby (Catholic family) he really wants to be baptized again. I tried to keep the conversation light. I am always worried about sounding cheesy, which I shouldn’t (God forgive me).

I have a confession. I do not believe I am good at leading people to Jesus. I always envisioned my ministry focusing on people who already know Jesus and sharing with them how I see God in my everyday life. I have too many fears and pride because I am fearful of that when I tell someone Jesus simply wants everyone’s love and to have a close and intimate relationship with them that they won’t understand and they will be turned away from faith altogether. See, I am worried that in my excitement and passion for Jesus I look like a freak to the world. It’s so much easier when people already know about Jesus. It’s an easier foundation to build on.

If this is something God is going to have me do I won’t fight it. Actually, I am excited for my friend because I have wanted this for so long. I will simply pray that God will place the right words in my mouth and that I can find a balance between patience and excitement…not any easy thing to do! So, please pray for my friend, pray for me, and pray for the world because any day now you could be where I am and God put you there so don’t think it was an accident.

 

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what god wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit pray for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father knows all hearts and knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:26-28)

Journeys

“I know, Lord, that our lives our not our own. We are not able to plan our own course. So, correct me, Lord, but please be gentle.” (Jeremiah 10:23-24)

 

I read that today and I almost started to giggle, even though I know it’s not funny. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have prayed that exact prayer! Even reading it over and over again I can see it in my mind. How many times have I sat in this exact spot and let God know that I know He is in control? How many times have I confessed my sins but then, in the back of my mind, I am chanting “be gentle, be gentle, be gentle”? Do you ever feel good when you know you are not alone in your heart?

 

My journey through the Bible this morning was much of the same. I came across verses, as I did my morning Lent readings, and each time I felt God speaking to me. This is why I love God’s Word because the pages aren’t just filled with words. This tattered book I carry around with me, and try to pick up every morning, has become His voice in my heart. Now, I don’t get these warm fuzzy feelings every time but when I do it’s pretty neat stuff and I reminded once again of God’s beauty and His grace and love. I am reminded of how blessed I am and how much I love Him!

 

So, I finish this up with a few more versus from today.

 

“As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?” (Psalm 42:1-2)

 

“Send out your light and your truth; let them guide me. Let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the place where you live.” (Psalm 43:3)

 

“For the sin of this one man, Adam, causes death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ,” (Romans 5:17)

 

Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)

A Tough Bridge to Cross

“For troubles surround me—too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage.”

 

I feel selfish when I am trying to reflect inward and get to the bottom of me. Maybe selfish isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s self-centered, which would make sense. I had spent so much time only worried about what I wanted, what felt right and good to me, and what made me happy that whenever I put the focus on me and my heart it feels wrong. But, here I stand before you and I am questioning who I am. Of course, I wonder if I am not questioning who I am as much as trying to figure out where I went because there are moments when I don’t like the thoughts that course through my mind and the feelings that flow through my heart and I think, “this isn’t me” and if it isn’t me where did I go?

 

I lost my focus. I let my pride grow and the backfire is that I have grown resentful and angry.  I feel out of grace and out of patience. God calls us to love and not be angry but I always seem to find a way to grumble and complain. Paul says, in Philippians 2:4, “do all things without complaining and arguing”, yet, as much as I pray and ask God to help me do that, I find myself grumbling and complaining once more.

 

Do you know how hard it is to truly look inward and see who you are? It’s tough and, unfortunately, I am letting this struggle I am going through overshadow all the good blessings in my life. I need to work though this season in my life and not give up. Actually, that is wrong. I need to let God work through me. I think I may have snagged the reigns of my life out of His hands and tried to take over again. Obviously, I am not doing a very good job. I need to embrace the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) once again. But He knows. There is nothing I can go to God with that He doesn’t know and didn’t sacrifice for. Isn’t that what Easter is all about?

 

“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edge sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between join and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one whom we are accountable.

 

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testing we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious god. There will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” (Hebrews 4:12-16)

Psalm 51

Sometimes the strangest things or methods can work something in my heart. Today, I wasn’t sure what to read so I read Psalm 51. I knew what it was going to say before I read it. I am still struggling and the more I struggle the more I realize the walls in my life I need to tear down, so I guess it’s a good thing even if it is not very much fun. So, today I will share Pslam 51. If you know that you have already read it and think you could stop your devotion right here….you probably need it more than someone else. Just a thought. I could be wrong. However, I read it twice this morning, stopping at certain points longer than others, and then typing it made me want the author’s words to be mine….so there is something therapeutic about the whole thing. I pray, that if you need them, that God uses His word in this particular Psalm to work a wonder in you today.

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,

                because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion,

                Blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt

                Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion;

                It haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;

                I have done what is evil in your sight.

You will proved right in what you say,

                And your judgment  against me is just.

For I was born a sinner—

                Yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb,

                teaching me wisdom even there.

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;

                Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

                you have broken me—

                now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.

                Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

                Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence,

                and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore me to the joy of your salvation,

                and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to the rebels,

                and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;

                Then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord,

                that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.

                You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

                You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O god.

Look with favor in Zion and help her;

                Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—

                with burn offerings and whole burnt offerings.

                Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

Despite Everything

 

“Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind was really like.” (John 2:23-24)

 

I don’t remember ever reading this verse, although I am sure I have over the years. Maybe it just pops out now as I am working so hard to reconcile myself with God. God really knows what mankind is like. God really knows what I am like. If I truly believe that God is all things all the time then there is nothing about me that He doesn’t know. Like David, there is no hiding, which is probably why I can grow so resentful to confessing sometimes because it’s all stuff He already knows. In fact, He knows more about me than I do! But then I feel humbled, I feel my pride and arrogance flake off of me, and I know that Jesus, my Savior, is still with me despite all that I am.

 

His perfect love surrounds me and I can find peace.

 

I can feel him changing me.

 

Jesus gives me hope.

 

Our Lord challenges me to move beyond what I think is possible.

 

He does all this with the sinner that I am.

 

Please don’t ever leave me Jesus!

 

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and then Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28: 19-20)