A Big Plan

“But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.  And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”  (Matthew 10: 29b-31)

 I have been able to do a lot of reading lately.  The kids and I have been taking trips to the library and I am bringing home 6-8 books a week.  Saturday I read a book that I really felt reached in and touched my soul.  Have you ever had that happen?  I mean I read books I love, read books I can’t get enough of, and read books that I can relate to but this could book could have been about me and could have described my life before Jesus…and after (kinda). 

There is something about walking around feeling worthless and dirty.  There is something about wanting a prince charming to come and rescue you but after reading dirty romance novels you have an unrealistic idea of love and passion.  It wasn’t until Jesus met me where I was that I knew I was worth something.  And it wasn’t until Jesus cleaned away the dirt that I mucked up in my life that I knew what real love was.  It was then that I could truly love my husband and my children.  It was then that I slowly begun to learn about grace, forgiveness, and understanding.

God has a big plan for everyone.  Even in this economic and political turmoil God is here. He is there is your smallest and your biggest celebrations and struggles.  Jesus is there on the left and right.  God is sitting with you in the pew on Sunday morning and at your desk when you go to work Monday morning.  God is with you when you have to have those tough discussions with your kids and He is there when your kids make the right or the wrong decision without you looking over their shoulder.  God’s plan is perfect.  No matter what we decide to do His plan will work.  If anyone could screw up a good plan it’s me (ask the hubby) but God didn’t let me stay in that dark place.  He brought me out and now I can live in the light! 

“For I know the plans” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Keep Pushing

“In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships of every kind.” (2 Corinthians 6:4)

 

I spent last week sick in bed with bronchitis. I want to say it was an awful experience but considering I slept through much of it I don’t know that I can say that. I am a fairly active person, so being stuck in bed for that long was tough and I know I am not completely well yet, which is why, what I did this morning, was so crazy!

 

I went to my first spin/cycle class ever. (what is the difference?). I love biking and I am terribly out of shape from lack of regular exercise this winter. I went to bed excited for the workout at 5am but I didn’t plan on THAT! After 10 minutes, and not being able to use the amount of tension the guy told us to, I thought that if I could make it five more minutes then I would be proud of myself. At 20 minutes I looked at the clock and had a goal of making it to 25. At 30 minutes I told myself I would be so embarrassed if I didn’t make it to at least 35 minutes. Finally, at 55 minutes I knew a cool-down had to be coming so I pushed on ahead. Pride, and pride alone, got me through that workout. I didn’t want to be “the quitter” and I also didn’t want to regret it all day.  How often is life like that?

 

How often do we find ourselves looking at the clock and wondering when the struggle or the problem is going to stop and go away? How many times have you just wanted to quit but something inside you drove you on? Everyone faces trials and everyone has a choice to make. Sometimes it would be very easy to quit. There are days when walking away makes more sense then staying with it. However, it’s those times when the ride is the hardest that we will see God more clearly at the end. Push ahead and keep going and God will see you on the other side of this day, I promise.

 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip of every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.” (Hebrews 12:1)

A Tough Bridge to Cross

“For troubles surround me—too many to count! My sins pile up so high I can’t see my way out. They outnumber the hairs on my head. I have lost all courage.”

 

I feel selfish when I am trying to reflect inward and get to the bottom of me. Maybe selfish isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s self-centered, which would make sense. I had spent so much time only worried about what I wanted, what felt right and good to me, and what made me happy that whenever I put the focus on me and my heart it feels wrong. But, here I stand before you and I am questioning who I am. Of course, I wonder if I am not questioning who I am as much as trying to figure out where I went because there are moments when I don’t like the thoughts that course through my mind and the feelings that flow through my heart and I think, “this isn’t me” and if it isn’t me where did I go?

 

I lost my focus. I let my pride grow and the backfire is that I have grown resentful and angry.  I feel out of grace and out of patience. God calls us to love and not be angry but I always seem to find a way to grumble and complain. Paul says, in Philippians 2:4, “do all things without complaining and arguing”, yet, as much as I pray and ask God to help me do that, I find myself grumbling and complaining once more.

 

Do you know how hard it is to truly look inward and see who you are? It’s tough and, unfortunately, I am letting this struggle I am going through overshadow all the good blessings in my life. I need to work though this season in my life and not give up. Actually, that is wrong. I need to let God work through me. I think I may have snagged the reigns of my life out of His hands and tried to take over again. Obviously, I am not doing a very good job. I need to embrace the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) once again. But He knows. There is nothing I can go to God with that He doesn’t know and didn’t sacrifice for. Isn’t that what Easter is all about?

 

“For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edge sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between join and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one whom we are accountable.

 

“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testing we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious god. There will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” (Hebrews 4:12-16)

Psalm 51

Sometimes the strangest things or methods can work something in my heart. Today, I wasn’t sure what to read so I read Psalm 51. I knew what it was going to say before I read it. I am still struggling and the more I struggle the more I realize the walls in my life I need to tear down, so I guess it’s a good thing even if it is not very much fun. So, today I will share Pslam 51. If you know that you have already read it and think you could stop your devotion right here….you probably need it more than someone else. Just a thought. I could be wrong. However, I read it twice this morning, stopping at certain points longer than others, and then typing it made me want the author’s words to be mine….so there is something therapeutic about the whole thing. I pray, that if you need them, that God uses His word in this particular Psalm to work a wonder in you today.

Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,

                because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion,

                Blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt

                Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion;

                It haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;

                I have done what is evil in your sight.

You will proved right in what you say,

                And your judgment  against me is just.

For I was born a sinner—

                Yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.

But you desire honesty from the womb,

                teaching me wisdom even there.

Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean;

                Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

                you have broken me—

                now let me rejoice.

Don’t keep looking at my sins.

                Remove the stain of my guilt.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.

                Renew a loyal spirit within me.

Do not banish me from your presence,

                and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore me to the joy of your salvation,

                and make me willing to obey you.

Then I will teach your ways to the rebels,

                and they will return to you.

Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;

                Then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.

Unseal my lips, O Lord,

                that my mouth may praise you.

You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.

                You do not want a burnt offering.

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.

                You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O god.

Look with favor in Zion and help her;

                Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit—

                with burn offerings and whole burnt offerings.

                Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

Despite Everything

 

“Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind was really like.” (John 2:23-24)

 

I don’t remember ever reading this verse, although I am sure I have over the years. Maybe it just pops out now as I am working so hard to reconcile myself with God. God really knows what mankind is like. God really knows what I am like. If I truly believe that God is all things all the time then there is nothing about me that He doesn’t know. Like David, there is no hiding, which is probably why I can grow so resentful to confessing sometimes because it’s all stuff He already knows. In fact, He knows more about me than I do! But then I feel humbled, I feel my pride and arrogance flake off of me, and I know that Jesus, my Savior, is still with me despite all that I am.

 

His perfect love surrounds me and I can find peace.

 

I can feel him changing me.

 

Jesus gives me hope.

 

Our Lord challenges me to move beyond what I think is possible.

 

He does all this with the sinner that I am.

 

Please don’t ever leave me Jesus!

 

“Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and then Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28: 19-20)

Confessions

“I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.” (Jonah 4:2c)

 

I have been a walking time bomb. I have been praying every morning and every night. I pour myself onto the Lord, probably being way harder on myself than He would be, and this anger welling up inside of me won’t go away.  I feel it way down in the bottom of my chest and it is manifesting itself through my body. I feel it taking hold of me and becoming way too familiar. I carry it around, I wear it on my sleeve, and I look it straight in the eye knowing how awful it is. At this point, the only reason it is still here (because I have begged God to take it away) is because I am holding on to it, now why would I do that?

 

Control. I am feeling terribly out of control right now. I am realizing how anal I have been in that I loose all function when things go out of wack. When even the slightest thing is off the center I have so precariously placed it I have trouble getting from point A to point B. I am surer now than ever before that I am obsessive. But, at the same time I think it’s more than that but I am not quite sure how to find the other side to see what that “more” is exactly. How can such conflict reside in one person? I love the Lord, I know He is the answer to all things, and yet I grasp for control and I am coming up empty all the time. What am I doing wrong?

 

Maybe this is another time for me to wrestle with God. Maybe this is another time when I have to work long and hard to get my heart and mind in line with each other and God once again. I want Him to wash away this anger that is spreading in my life. I want Him to guide me and walk me through this day and this hour and bring me fresh on the other side. But more than anything I want to feel His love and for my Savior to remind me how to love unconditionally and no matter what. I pray that as I walk through Lent with Jesus this year that He will do just that.

 

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16a)

Embarrassingly Naked

“I tried to relieve your fears: ‘Don’t be terrified of them. God, your God, is leading the way; he’s fighting for you. You saw with your own eyes what he did for you in Egypt; you saw what he did in the wilderness, how God, your God, carried you as a father carries a child, carried you the whole way until you arrived here. But now that you’re here, you won’t trust God, your God—‘” (Deuteronomy 1:29-31 The Message)

 

I am overwhelmed with family. I am overwhelmed with school. I am overwhelmed with a special needs child. I am overwhelmed trying to be the wife and mother I am called to be. I am overwhelmed with busyness but then overwhelmed when I can’t think of what to do. I am overwhelmed trying to be healthy and lose weight. I am overwhelmed with our finances. I am overwhelmed trying to keep a house and I am overwhelmed trying to keep my faith in line when there are days when it feels like the balls I so precariously juggle are bouncing down the road and I am overwhelmed keeping chasing them down. And what is it again that I try to teach over and over again? I shout out constantly that God is good, when we hand everything over to God we will find peace, and (my favorite) God has a beautiful and perfect plan. Once again it is easier said than done.

 

With all that you may find it incredible that I have peace and reassurance in my faith. In spite of being terribly overwhelmed, some days anyway, I can usually go with the flow fairly well. God has found ways to remind me that I am where I am and, honestly, I couldn’t and wouldn’t change a thing. I love my husband and so I love being his wife. I adore my children and so even the hard days are a joy. I love accounting so work is a reward. I believe I am a student by nature and so school is something I look forward to. And, as far as the juggling….I have never been very good at balance so it’s no wonder that I drop the ball quite often.

 

My point is that everything is about perspective. Yes, I will be the first to admit that there is a lot going on but we have a home, we have food, we have power, we have jobs, we are healthy, and we have an amazing family and circle of friends. God is good. In the chaos of it all I take a big deep breath in and I breath out and I put one foot in front of the other and I smile because, even on the cloudiest day, I am still standing in the Sun.

 

“Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your hear to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5-8)

In my Trying Times

“When they came near the camp, Moses saw the calf and the dancing, and he burned with anger. He threw the stone tables to the ground, smashing them at the foot of the mountain.” (Exodus 32:19)

 

I have a hard time writing when I am frustrated or upset. I am not saying that I am walking around with anger or frustration but I have come to ask myself why I can shoot out devotions some mornings and not others. Today, I am just tired. I don’t know if I am physically tired or mentally tired but I know that I am tired. I guess I am angry too, now that I think about it. It’s been a long week.

 

Do you ever have times like Moses? Times when you want to smash something when you look at what is going around you? In our homes, in our communities, in our country, and in our world I sometimes I have to ask myself, “what is in the world is going on?” And, unfortunately, I can have feelings at all different levels simultaneously. Makes me wonder why my head really doesn’t turn a 360 every so often throughout my day.

 

But then there is God. I have been meditating on this all week: He is love. I realized Monday I haven’t been loving the people I need to love in the way I am called to love them. I have been frustrated and resentful and that is not how God is calling us to love and that is not the way Jesus has shown us how to live. I find myself putting limits and, as I write that, I am happy that God never put limits on me because there is a good possibility He would have walked away from me years ago and before I had a chance to reach out and call Him Lord. It’s something to think about today.

 

“This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away or sins.” (1 John 4:10)

It is cold!

“Our God approaches and he is not silent. Fire devours everything in his way, and a great storm rages around him.” (Psalm 50:3)

 

This winter is Iowa has been plagued with lots of snow, icy roads, and now freezing temps. I guess freezing temperatures would be simplifying what some people will experience as they head out to work today (schools are all closed). Right now it is about -20 degrees out. Skin will freeze in under 10 minutes and you really need to make sure your car will start and warm up before you leave for wherever you need to go. Iowa hasn’t faced these kinds of temperatures in almost 31 years. I did the math super fast when Channel 8 said so this morning because the date was significant. The last time it was this cold was on February 4, 1996. That is significant because it was my birthday, my senior year in high school, I had just found out I was pregnant (yeah, happy birthday), and I wasn’t in Iowa….or I was on my way out.

 

My dad and I drove to San Francisco and we did it in 26 hours. We only stopped to fill up and empty out. I got to see the Rocky Mountains for the first time (that I remember) and we got a great picture of Lake Tahoe. I remember that, in San Francisco, the grass was green in February. We visited my great-aunts and looked at some communities. My family was considering a move out there. Obviously we opted for below freezing temperatures and corn instead of fog and congestion. But it was a good trip and I enjoyed the time with my dad. The scariest part was telling my dad I was pregnant and, more than likely, that I was alone.

 

In a moment of true fear I experienced the love and grace that I thought never existed, although I am sure my parents offered up plenty of grace as I grew up. I didn’t get yelled at. I wasn’t called names. I wasn’t evicted. It was worse and better than all of that. I could see the disappointment and fear on my parents’ faces and then they simply shrugged their shoulders and said they would be there for me as I moved forward. I am sure that God doesn’t shrug but I know that He has more grace than anyone could imagine. In your moments of worst fear, in those extremely cold places of your life, God is waiting for you to bring Him into the folds of your problems so that He can help you get out and get you warm.  As you face your fears He is there to bring you through. And as we stumble, He is there to make us right again and carry us as we rebuild our strength.

 

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13 Message)  

So Frustrated

“I lift you high in praise, my God, O my King! And I will bless your name into eternity.” (Psalm 145:1 Message)

 

This was not the way I wanted to start my morning. We have been scolding our oldest son. It’s hard for me because I feel sorry for his self-inflicted problem he is in but it is so hard to go over the same things over and over again and feel like his anger is preventing him from really hearing anything we have to say.

 

I wonder how often God feels that way. Many of our life circumstances, good or bad, are a result of our own choices. He tells us, He shows us, He gives us grace over and over and over again and here we are…still in the same rut. Even the things I know I need to change about me and my lifestyles are so extremely hard to change but I know everything I need to know and I make my mistakes anyway. Why is that?

 

We need to trust God enough to make the right decisions. We need to follow His ways. Have you ever noticed that we say God has a perfect plan but we don’t want to do it His way? And then, when you realize you were going the wrong direction and feel the peace of following that narrow path, you may steel veer off into a different direction because it looked pretty good? How can I raise a child when I am such a wreck some days? What has God given me that I am not using to push through these obstacles? All the answers are right there.

 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.  I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 The Message)*

*thanks Suzanne!