The Clicking Noise

“But I trust in your unfailing love, I will rejoice because you have rescued me.” (Psalm 13:5) 

I hung up the phone and threw it on my bed.  I paced the room a little bit trying to catch my breath.  At that moment, being in my room was like a sick joke that was about me so I went into the hallway.  No one else was home.  It was dark.  I screamed.  My entire body ached at the power and magnitude of that scream.  My throat was still sore the next day.  

Something clicked and I can say that I am fairly certain I heard the noise the clicking made.  Lots of people would say this was my “light bulb” moment or my “ah-ha” moment.  But those descriptions imply something good has been discovered.  I think this is more like the clicking sound that a gun makes as the chamber is rotated and it’s pointed at what I thought was real but wasn’t; it’s pointed at the lie, which is slowly uncovering the truth.  The truth is most certainly ugly but it is what it is.  There is nothing I can do about it now but trust in the Lord and know He will always bring me through. 

I prayed to God for strength but I got weaker and more pathetic until the only thing left to do was to fall over Him and rely on His strength.  Since that prayer didn’t go quite the way I had envisioned I am now scared to ask for patience….or any other fruit of the Spirit!  Maybe, I should wait until I am ready to ask for the patience and instead to ask for this clicking noise to go away.  It’s like the second hand on the clock and totally grading on my nerves.  What is that clicking noise telling me?  Is it telling me it’s dead or, is it like the second hand and not the chamber of a gun, telling me there is still more time? 

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  There is no law against these things!” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Getting Up

“Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes.  He went to the Tabernacle and worshipped the Lord.  After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate.”  (2 Samuel 12:20)

 I was lying in bed that Sunday morning and I didn’t want to get up.  I try to grasp the words that could explain how I was feeling but I don’t think words can adequately describe it.  I knew I could just stay in bed and shut the world out.  I knew that I could lay there forever letting the waves lap over me until I finally drowned.  However, this verse came to mind. 

David didn’t get what he wanted.  David’s son died.  The first thing he did was get up, clean up, and worship God.  I didn’t get what I wanted either. That morning I did get up.  I didn’t put on a happy face.  I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  All I knew was that I needed to spend the morning with God and I did.  I do this everyday; this making myself get out bed and face whatever the day may bring.  Some days are easier than others.  Today was a harder one.

I am writing because my friends are encouraging me to start sharing my ramblings once again.  I am not sure if this will keep or not.  All I want to do is lament and that isn’t so fun to read or write day in and day out.  All I know is the road ahead of me is cloudy but I am equally sure that God has great plans and will most definitely turn beauty from what feels like ashes at this very moment.  God is so incredibly good, faithful, and strong.  I thought I had before but I know now I didn’t lean on Him the way I should have.  Now, I feel all I am doing is leaning (or falling over) on my Savior and blindly trusting everything will work out fine when everything feels so wrong. 

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”  (Jeremiah 29:11)